Several years back, I bought a front load washing machine.
It was all the rage. Supposed to clean my clothes in less water. The bit was
that it was energy efficient. The original belief was that this was a high-end,
sleek machine that was going to wash my clothes and help me save money. (I
don’t know how to blow raspberries in type so just imagine the sound.) This
machine doesn’t do what it was originally believed it could do. This has been
proven by the fact that my clothes are not coming as clean as I think they
should. I was wooed into believing that less water could do the job. This
machine was not what I thought it was.
Sometimes we draw conclusions based on a few bits of
information and overall look of something/one. Is that wrong? Or is it just the
way we have been taught?
The other day someone said something that made me evaluate
how I might be perceived through my blog. I can’t stand fakers and I don’t make
it a habit to present myself as something I am not. The statement made was kind
and funny but it did make me ask myself, who am I in person and who am I in my
blog? The simple answer is, I am the same for both. The difference is, in
person I feel less cautious about myself and you get to see the mouth move and
the eyes widen and the hand gestures that just won’t stop. My husband says that
my blog sometimes breaks his heart. I asked why and he said because I know you
best and I know how you would be saying these words. He knows how torn up I am
over the events of this last year. He knows me. He gets to hear my words.
You however, don’t. That is by choice. I’m kind of sure why.
By the way, all of these entries reveal much more than you
think. You are just reading the words. If you were in my head, if you were
hearing me speak then it would make
better sense. Sometimes the written word just doesn’t cut it. Sometimes you
need to hear the words spoken. That isn’t possible, so I will try to get my
point across as best as I can.
I don’t think I am all that complex, but I have been told
that I am a little hard to read. I have also been told that if I don’t like
something, you will know it. I agree with the last statement. I am ordinary,
sort of middle-of-the-road. I try not to make waves but if I have to, I will.
My mom called me a bulldog. She said if you need something done, get me on it.
I don’t know about that but I do know that I speak my mind sometimes too much.
I do stand up for what I believe in and if I annoy you then you should just walk
away.
I am a simple, silly girl who has just experienced the most
traumatic events of my life. Now, I am left to put myself back together. I
didn’t choose this and sometimes that makes me angry. But on good days, I know
I will make it back to my old self. I wear my heart on my sleeve, wish I
didn’t. I am emotional and sometimes that clouds my logical thinking, wish it
didn’t. I believe what you see/read is
what you get. I am who I am and I don’t hide behind a blog or a Facebook page.
Because you have your own imagination, your own preconceived ideas, your
perception of me may be a little off. Nothing wrong with that. Your idea of who
I am is probably better that the reality. Please though, make me a little bit
thinner, no gray hairs, and not so sleepy. Oh and I would like to have a good
singing voice.
My goal here, at least in the beginning, was to write a
little about what I have gone through in the hopes of drumming up donations. It
has turned into my little way of analyzing myself. Maybe it is my way of
staying sane. Some have told me I am normal, but it hasn’t sunk in yet. I write
because it is my little tiny outlet. I have never had such a huge, catastrophic
thing happen in my life like the death of my mom. I am devastated and I will be for a long
time. Writing, whether good or bad is my way of looking at myself. I’m not
writing for donations really, I am writing for me.
For this blog and my real life, I am an average girl who has
lost one of the single most important people in my life. I write about that and
sometimes my personal life seeps in. I am nothing special, I am just
heartbroken like so many other daughters are. I hope I haven’t presented myself
as anything different. If I have then I apologize and I hope that if you ever
meet me you aren't disappointed.
My washing machine isn’t what I thought it was. I plan on
getting a new one. I hope I have presented myself exactly the way I see me. I
would hate to be replaced with one that does a better job.
I don’t know if you learned anything here and I’m not sure
yet if I did either. I do think it is important that I look at who I am and
what I am doing. I want to move on and I think this blog is helping me do that.
I am looking for the old Carole, the one before my mom died. I’ll let you know
when I find her.
BTW, I don't live on the prairie but I do have a garden.
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