Another “down” day. At this point these days are getting in
the way and they are kind of taking me by surprise. My husband told me
yesterday that he has noticed that I am not as pathetic as I was. It’s okay, I
know I’ve been pathetic. He backed up and said that for a while I was spending
100% of my time being sad and now he is starting to see the not-so-sad me come
back in the picture. I would say I am making progress.
Still, there are those days. Those gray days that I can’t
run from.
Today didn’t start out to be one of those days, but it is
sure ending up that way. I can’t even say that it is a grief kind of feeling
that I have. I think my grief has changed over to empty. Empty isn’t good for
me but as long as I stay busy I seem to muddle on.
Christmas wishes are being made. Someone suggested that each
day we say what we wish for. Not presents, but real genuine wishes for us or
someone else. I’ve been thinking about that. So here goes.
I wish my mom was here.
Tell me you didn’t think I would have more than that?
That’s it.
I really don’t need to wish for anything else. I pray for a
lot, but I wish for only one thing. Is Christmas going to be like this for the
rest of my life? Am I going to hurt so much that it makes my throat tighten and
the tears build in my eyes?
My mom. I bet your mom was/is like mine. She could do
anything. Right about now she would be calling me and complaining that I haven’t
given her my Christmas list. I would tell her to buy for my babies and she
would say, “Carole, you are my daughter and I am going to buy for you too. It
may not be a lot, but you have to have Christmas under the tree too.” That’s
what she would say. I wish my phone would ring and someone would say that. You
know, my mom’s best friend is looking out for me. She is an absolute angel. My
mom loved her so much that she said she would share me. Well, Mom2 calls or
texts at exactly the right time…always. She says what my mom would say. She
knows her and it is the best feeling to have someone that cares so much
checking up on me. I get to be mothered.
I hear my mom’s voice
all the time. Not in a crazy way though. I hear her words. Things that she said
not long ago. Sometimes I hear the scratchy voice she had at the end. I hear
her say, “You came.” I know what that means and that is all that matters. I
hear her words to my kids, I hear her booming voice, I hear her laughter. I
hear her. Will I hear her next year, or ten years or twenty years? I’ll let you
know.
I wonder if where I am at right now is where she would want
me to be. I know she would say, “Drink water if you are going to cry some more.”
I would laugh and the tears would stop. But I do wonder if I am the person
today that she thought I should be. I don’t think so but I am working on it. I
am hard on myself, but I am not who I am going to be and I know it. I’ll let
you know when I get there.
Just to update a little, my doors aren’t opening anymore and
the flutter in my shoulder is gone. Again, I know what it all was but just in
case I was wrong, I will say my mom made her point.
Yep, this holiday is going to be tough, already is. We are
working extra hard to push the sadness away. We are all decorated, we have been
looking at Christmas lights and we go to Christmas tree lots just to look at
the trees (cedar isn’t my friend). But, for some reason, my kids are talking
about Emmy a lot. I talk about her, but not all the time. They are asking about
her and making her cards and ornaments. We tied those things to four big purple balloons and
let them go. My kids jumped up and down and yelled “We love you Emmy.” I cried.
They believe those balloons went to Heaven. I won’t ever tell them different.
Emmy/Mom lives in God’s house. She is the lucky one.
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