As Long As I Have My Spyglass....I Can Figure It Out!

I’ve asked this question many times and I think I have even written about it before.

What makes people happy? Not the casual kind of happy, the all is right in my life and I only find joy kind of happy.

Most people say  it is their family. I agree and I am one of those that believes family, immediate and friends, is the driver in the happiness seat.

I don’t think that is what I am talking about though. I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about what makes me happy from my gut out. I am talking about the kind of happy where the glass is always half full. The kind where you are surrounded by positive energy and you feel complete through and through. Maybe this doesn’t make sense, maybe it does. I can only speak from experience and I know that I am the type that lets external events, people and happenings control my emotions, my happiness. Not healthy.

Time for that horrible word again….change.

My blog has become depressing. My thoughts are negative. My inner self in unhappy.

Time to…..change……….

Someone said that I can’t force my recovery from all of this grief. I agree but I can take steps to ensure that it doesn’t take over. I can make sure that it doesn’t define me. I actually don’t believe that I a grieving, mourning or stuck in a dark place. I believe that I am constantly moving forward, reaching for the happy ring. I see it. It is pretty.

I wonder if true happiness is a state of mind. I wonder if it is as simple as changing my thoughts. Worth a shot. But still, negative, the other shoe is about to fall kind of thoughts creep in.

Get out you destructive thoughts!

So, I am on a quest to find my happy self. I have a big hat and spy glass. I mean business.

Where do I start?

It stands without reason that I find joy in my children. I hope that everyone does. I also find  frustration, stress and a whole bunch of emotions that they like to stir. But when I see them smile with their whole self, I get all goose pimply inside and tears well up. Those moments are my favorite. We recently went on vacation. My babies are old enough to ride bumper cars. The laughter and smiles that they had were just indescribable. I wish I felt comfortable showing the pictures. Just take my word, my kids are the frosting and candles on a cake and when they are happy, well it is infectious. 

My husband gives me joy. He also gives me frustration, stress and a whole bunch of other emotions. Wait, that sounds familiar. Seriously, without him, I am a sad, pathetic puddle of goo. I love him more than word can say. 

But this isn’t the joy/happiness that I am looking for. I’m looking for happiness within myself. Not my outside self, my inner self. I’m stumped a little because somehow I have allowed myself to turn on me. I could blame a few people in my past but really, I have allowed this to happen. I won’t pass blame. I created this mess and I am going to get out of it.

Let me start with the negative. Maybe if I put it all “out there” it will make it easier to rid myself of them.

I can turn anything into a negative with just my thoughts.

I think something bad is always going to happen.

I question ever decision.

I question my intelligence.

I don’t “do” anything that I feel is useful. (This has nothing to do with my family).

I will never find my direction.

I will never find a job that gives me joy. Everything that I like to do, doesn’t pay.

I also question all of the things I like to do.

I could go on. 

Before you think the worst and feel sorry for me, don’t. I understand what each sentence means and I don’t need a pep talk from the outside world. I am in charge of each word, thought and action. 

So what am I doing to find my happy self and to get rid of all of the negative sentences?

I am starting by changing my blog from super sad and depressing to something that reflects the things that I like to do. (Quick disclaimer here….I am not html savvy but I am learning. The new blog is a work in progress and it will be a while before it is exactly what I want.) In the end, it is going to be something that is mine. Something that I have tweaked, fiddled with and changed, yes I said changed. It will have hopefully happier blogs, food, travel, news in the pancreatic cancer world, and much more. It will be a place that feels like home to me. I love to cook and when I can figure out how to include recipes, I will. 

Something else I am doing that you can’t see is changing my thoughts. It’s hard and I have to say there are more failures than successes. Tough to teach an old dog. I am also trying to let things roll off. Another tough one. I internalize everything. When my babies fall, somehow I feel it is my fault. It isn’t, kids fall. 

I am going to figure out how to get paid for doing some of the things I like to do. Really tough one but I have to try. I am an artist, a sewer person (not a seamstress, I’m not that good), writer/blogger and an amateur cook. There has to be something I can do. FYI, writing seems to be the easiest, painting is gratifying and cooking is just yummy. Sewing is fascinating. We shall see.

You may think that changing a blog is a strange way to start. Remember, I live in a bubble and I must do things at my own pace and in the order that makes sense. 

(Another FYI, my bubble is fractured. I can’t fix it and I think that is ok.)

My happy self is lost. It has been for a while. Luckily, I have a map. 

Wish me luck!