I Wonder If Alvin Ever Got That Plane

I need to feel needed.

There I said it. Time to close up shop. Carole has figured it out. No more self-analyzing, agonizing or feeling like poo. I get it all now.

Seriously, this actually just came to me the other day. I guessing right about now some of you are slapping your head with your hands. “What???? She is just figuring that out when we have known it all along????” What can I say, some things just take a little longer for me to get.

So, I need to feel needed. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think I am needed, I do. But sometimes, I feel more like me, Carole (not the mom or the wife) isn’t really needed. I don’t know why I feel like that but I do and I think that is what is making me feel down. 

Did my mom need me? Is that another void that I have to get used to? I can’t say it enough, my mom was my absolute center. She was just something special. I knew every day that we were going to talk. I knew that if I called with a question, she would answer the best she could. I knew that she would make time for me, (most of the time). She made me feel like I, Carole, mattered. That sounds absolutely depressing. I realize that but somehow, through the mother/daughter issues that every mother and daughter have, my mom made me feel like she would jump in front of a moving car, bus, truck or train for me. She made me feel like she needed to be my mom. She did need me.

And now she doesn’t. 

I’ve said it before and I will say it many more times, the love between a mother and daughter can’t be compared. I know some will disagree, but this is my space to write how I feel and that is how I feel.

I was sitting today, waiting for my daughter to finish her gymnastics when I overheard a conversation that was taking place a few chairs over. Okay, I was flat out eavesdropping. When the ladies purposely talk in a lower voice it is a requirement that the bystanders strain to hear the contents of said conversation. In the beginning they were talking about how new moms can now purchase test strips to test their milk. I was just about to check out when suddenly it changed to how they were not looking forward to spending time with their moms over the holidays. 

Let me say that again. 

THEY WERE NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR MOMS OVER THE HOLIDAYS!

I do understand that everyone has their issues and most people don’t think about the what if they weren’t here part but this made me boil. The tears welled up in my eyes and it took all I had to keep from telling them that instead of complaining, they should be enjoying every tiny second that they get to have with their living, breathing, alive mom. Instead I choked back the tears and continued on with my business. That will teach me to eavesdrop. 

Christmas is almost here. Maybe that is the cause of all of this. I think most would agree that it is. 

I was thinking about my most favorite memories of Christmas. Really they were all great. Santa always managed to bring me just what I wanted. I know my dad helped, but somehow my memories, overall, are of her and how she made them special. My dad decorated the outside and flocked the tree. I do remember the white trees that we had. I loved the smell. My mom focused on the inside of the house and the traditions that were special to her. Every Christmas Eve we would turn off all of the house lights and light all of the candles. We would lay under the tree and look up at the twinkling lights while the traditional music played on the giant stereo that looked more like a credenza. Red Skelton told the story of the littlest Christmas Tree and all Alvin wanted a plane that looped the loop. Every Christmas in my head was the same. I’m sure it wasn’t but that is how I remember it. 

Mom was mom and she made it special for all of us. 

Yes this Christmas is hard too. I imagine they will all be in some way. I miss her voice, her laugh, her. I miss her needing me. She isn’t here and she doesn’t need me. 

I need to feel needed. What a sad story I am.