Irony always
makes me stop and wonder.
First of all
let me clear up a few things. Two years ago, I was wondering how long my mom
had to live. I/we were waiting. She continued her treatment. Radiation was
added, she was given her tattoo. Yes, my mom was given bulls-eye dots as a
marker for the radiation. It was easier that way. My mom had a very strong
opinion against tattooing so this did not sit well with her.
We waited.
May came and
my mom left.
Since that
time I have been trying to find my way without her. I’ve been struggling to
find where I fit in. I know that sounds like a teenager but I’m not and it is
possible to feel lost without someone and to wonder “where do I go from here.”
I cried,
worried, ached.
Today I am
not the same person. I don’t cry for her, I don’t wonder how I will move
forward. I am not a grieving puddle, I am not perpetually sad. I do miss her,
that is constant and sometimes overwhelming.
Back to the
irony part of my story.
Many years
ago my mom retired. She and my dad decided that they needed a change and so
began their search for LAND. My mom was an indoorsy gal so a move to the
country was odd. My dad on the other hand was outside from morning until time
to go to bed. Naturally they compromised and moved to a big house in the
country with nothing but a few odd, country-type stores, a Wal-Mart and a
Brookshires. There were other recognizable stores but these two are important.
My mom was not a snob, but she rarely shopped either of these stores. She was a
department store, high quality shopper. She was my mom and she was classy. She
was also practical and she could adapt to what was available. She made the most
of what she had.
She lived in
a big house with a pool and she decorated it and redecorated it. My dad stayed
outside, working the land. He was in his element, she was not. She did not like
the country, she longed for “real stores” and people around. I know this for
certain. She lived and died in the country. She is buried in the country.
My mom and I
have some similarities. I once loved to shop and I like pretty decorations (I’m
not good at decorating, but I love to look at it). We have other things in
common but I won’t bore you. I am a city girl, not the BIG city type like some
though. I love having people around, stores for convenience, restaurants, parks
and what my mom called visible signs of life. I am not a country girl…..or am
I?
So what is
the irony of this story? Well, I recently moved to a city that prides itself in
calling itself a town instead of a city. My house backs up to a pasture full of
cows, the nearest grocery stores are a Wal-Mart and a Brookshires.
See the
irony?
I realized
the other day that I seem to be adapting to my surroundings. I dislike Wal-Mart
and Brookshires doesn’t excite me but they are what I have that is close. There
will be more as the development progresses but for now these are my immediate
choices.
Today was my
first real venture to Brookshires. No one was there so I was able to walk
around and really look at what they carried. Funny, it is set up exactly like
the one my mom shopped in. As I made my way around, my mom’s voice overpowered
the silliness that my kids were getting into. “I love the chicken salad. I know
what I’ll do, I’ll get some croissants and we can have a nice lunch.,” she would
say. I choked back tears. “Carole, they have the best cookies. You have to try
these.”
I’m counting
on these just being coincidences but it is interesting at how similar our
surroundings are.
So, here I
am with tears in my eyes telling you that I am not crying, I am living. Really
I think like my mom in some ways, I am adapting to what I have around me. I
made a conscious decision to move where I am. Maybe it is ironic that I chose a
similar environment that she lived in. Maybe I am channeling her. Nah, I
actually like the country to an extent. I love being outside. But it all does
make me think.
I like to
over-analyze and over-complicate things. It is my talent.
One year and
eleven months later I have come to realize that somewhere along the way lost my
funny bone, my I’m gonna sing no matter how bad I sound voice and my desire for
fun. My mom leaving just took the wind out of my sails. I am happy to say that
I have noticed that I am laughing more (people say I am funny, it’s easy to
make others laugh), I am singing to all of the Frozen songs and I am having fun
with my family. I am far from where I want to be, but I am amazingly far from
where I was. Oh I have my moments. I get angry at things, certain people (never
her and never God), I cry and I hurt so bad that I think I am broken into a
million pieces. The good thing is that I am not defining myself by these
moments. I am allowing myself to feel the way I feel and then I move on to the
next thing. I still have a lot of work to do and I don’t know if I will ever
feel complete without her, she was that present in my life. I miss her, but I’ll
see her later.
By the way,
if you have a Brookshires close by, go buy their chocolate chip cookies and try
to only eat one. Betcha can’t.
No comments:
Post a Comment