The Clock is Still Ticking Way Too Fast

Time is something that I write and talk a lot about. It is, in many cases, the enemy. It is a living, ticking and controlling thing that we can’t get enough of.

Two years since she left. In the grand scheme of life, it isn’t long. To an adult it is like the blink of an eye. To a child, it is forever. The clock is MY enemy. There just isn’t enough time. How do we as adults slow down, relax and enjoy OUR time without constantly looking at that ticking bomb? I don’t know if my efforts are working but I’ll share anyway.

First of all, what have I learned during these past two years of being without my mom? If you had asked me that last year I would have said something like, I have learned very little and I need my mom here to help. This year I have a different answer. Some are still popping up, some I have known for a while and I am just getting around to verbalizing.

So, what have I learned? 

I have learned that my mom ran the show. She was the glue, she was the ring master and she was the answerer of all things I had questions for.

I have learned that no matter how much time there is, it isn’t enough. I have also learned that the time here isn’t that important.

I have learned that things don’t matter. God, faith and family are the only three things that really mean anything. All three take massive amounts of work, love and deep breaths.

I have learned that I can live.

I can homeschool my children.

I can have a headache and still function throughout the day without hurting anyone.

I have learned that friends must be honest, trustworthy and loving. Not all of mine are.

I have learned that eliminating the friends who do not fit in these categories is important but not easy. They take up too much time, stress and brain function.

I have learned that I can be the person I want to be without compromising my beliefs. 

I have learned to stand by my instincts.

I have learned that my mom was the greatest teacher I have ever had. 

There is more but I’ll save it for another day.

One particular lesson sticks out today. Friends who aren’t really friends. I had one. Note had. I knew she was a liar but I was hopeful for many years that she would trust our friendship enough to stop, at least with me. Many years of half-truths, lies and fibs. Time invested that I can never get back. Lies about age, day to day stories, years of snarky comments and much more caused me stress, worry and so much frustration. It was a friendship that needed to end and I am sad about it. Not about losing a friend, but about trying so hard for so long and not winning the battle I didn’t realize I was fighting. I held on because I just thought I could change a person. The problem, she didn’t know she was lying. So, I am relieved but sad. The good thing is, because it has taken so long to get through the grieving process of my mom, I know how to take the express train through this.

Time wasted, or time spent learning lessons? Maybe both.

I do know for sure, I spend a lot of energy evaluating and re-evaluating myself. Why? I’ll tell you why, I’m never satisfied that I am the best person I can be. I don’t allow myself to say I am good at anything. I am hard on myself, I know it and I haven’t figured out how to tame it. It was one of the things my mom told me to stop doing. Not doing so well with it. Sorry Mom, I’m trying.

Time, time, time. It does run the world. Does it have to? 

I watch a show about finding homes internationally. You may know it. Someone told me the secret to the show and it kind of ruined it’s effects, but I still watch. I am fascinated by the couples who decide to move to a tropical place usually to embrace the slower lifestyle. Interesting. As I watch I find myself wondering, how do they do it? How do they decided that they can’t take the fast ticking of the clock here and they move where the clocks still tick only they don’t look at them? How? I wonder why we can’t have that here.

No amount of time is enough with a loved one, especially one who had an expiration dated stamped on her at the time of diagnosis. We spend too much time worrying, stressing and rushing from event to event. We don’t spend enough time sitting and talking to those who we love. We waste time with deadbeat people and not enough time with those who enhance our days. One day our time here will be over. It won’t matter to us because if you are a believer, that is the day your time will start. What will matter is the time that you spent with your kids, parents, your friends, the ones you leave behind. Did you spend it well? Will they say you took the time to listen? Or will they say you were a waste of time?

I am surrounding myself with good, honest people. People who support me, love me and make me laugh. I don’t have the time to carry the load. I want to make the most of my life and to fill those close to me with wonderful memories.

My kids ask me all the time, “is a minute longer than an hour?” Well that reflects a lot. Soon they will understand time. Soon it will run their lives. For now, a minute is a long time to them. For now there is no stress. Somewhere along the way we have forgotten what it was like to be a child. I think it’s time to revisit.