This past
week I have been reading a lot, and I mean a lot of stories about how loved
ones have been taken by pancreatic cancer and how this Christmas is so hard.
That’s my problem. It just hit me a few minutes ago.
Let me back
up.
As you all
know, this has been a hard year. I don’t think I have hidden any of that. A few
weeks ago I really felt like I had turned a corner. Like my grief was over and
I just miss my mom……a bunch. I don’t feel like I am crying out of sadness, just
crying because she isn’t here to visit with. The people around me noticed a
change and I felt it. We have taken steps to move forward and to start fresh.
Then about a week or so ago, I started seeing stories on Facebook. Remember how
much I dislike that social media. Well I have made it part of my life, at least
the fundraising and small business part. So I have to keep track. In doing
that, I get caught up in people’s stories. Some are good, but the one’s I have
focused on are those related to pancreatic cancer and how it did to people what
it did to my family. The stories are mostly the same. Some just last longer
than others. A few are still playing out. So every day while I eat my
breakfast, I read these stories. Monday of this week, I started to feel really
sad, like I had slipped back into grief. Yesterday was the worst. Everything
made me cry and I even started patching the holes I have made in my bubble.
Yesterday I was grieving for my mom. I didn’t know why because two days earlier
I wasn’t. About an hour ago I realized what it was. When I sit down to eat, I
scroll through the New Feed on Facebook. Once click here, one click there and I
am prying into someone’s story and for that moment, I am back, sitting beside
my mom holding her hand. For that moment, I am looking at my mom and wondering
if she knew I was there and wishing just one more smile would light up her
face.
I am a silly
girl.
Facebook is,
and this is difficult to say, a blessing in a few ways. Facebook is also an
evil waste of my time. I’m not sad because of it. It is my fault for clicking
on the icon and it is my fault for reading. I can’t do that anymore. Oh I am
interested and I even message people that touch me. That isn’t the problem.
When I read, I get personally involved and I forget that it isn’t my story I am
reading. I take on the emotions of the authors, I try to figure out their
problems. Does that make me co-dependent? I can’t change anyone’s grief any more
than I can change mine. They have to vent, cry and move on at their own pace
and in their own way.
I turned a
corner a few weeks ago. I took my first steps forward toward my life without my
mom. That puts me in the driver’s seat and that is a nice place to be. I’m a
good driver. But I took those steps knowing that there would be some back-pedaling
every now and then. I figured it would be a holiday, anniversary or special
event that would trigger it. I didn’t expect it to be a social media that I
fought long and hard against. My fault. So, how am I going to change this? I
don’t know. I need this media. I have raised over $3000 and mostly it is due to
Facebook. I can’t shut Million Dollars for Mom down. I know there is one
person, one company out there that hasn’t seen my page who has the desire and
financial means to make a difference. I have to keep going. I won’t fail my
mom. To say that I won’t read anyone’s story again is just silly. There are
people out there who are going or are about to go through what I did. I can’t
change that, but I can tell them what I know, if they want. And if I can make
just one person feel like they aren’t alone then it will be worth it. What I
can say is that I won’t linger. I can’t spend my time stuck in a pancreatic
cancer driven grief funk. I have to move on. I think I can do that while
accomplishing my mission.
So, this isn’t
a post about how sad I am and how I am dreading Christmas. I love and miss my
mom very much. I always will. The truth here is that Christmas isn’t about her.
She, like the rest of us was/is just another person present at the celebration
of Christ’s birthday. Nope she won’t be here and I can’t stand it. But I will
be here and my kids and my husband. We will miss her, but she told me to cry
for a little while and then move on. Next Tuesday I will feel the void but the
day will go on. We will do the same things we did last year. I will cry, I will
remember her.
When
Christmas is over, I am going to continue to patch my bubble. I am going to
continue to evaluate what is healthy for my family. I am going to continue on
my journey. I’m looking for me. I think I know where I am but I have some other
places to peek into.
I don’t know
what is in store for me. I don’t know 100% for sure that I am going to keep
going on Facebook or even this blog. A year and a half ago I lived in a nice
bubble with my family. A year and a half ago pancreatic cancer shook my bubble
and messed it all up. I don’t like messes and it has been messy too long. I am
cleaning. Along the way, I will find me and I will make some decisions. We
shall see.
Thank you
for reading and thank you for letting me work through my grief. I do hope you
all have a very Merry Christmas!
You need to learn how to take a step back to keep your perspective. It's a hard thing to do sometimes but in order to keep your own sanity, you have to do it. So take a break. When you feel yourself sliding down again, shut the computer down and go do something else. You'll reach your goal AND keep your sanity if you do. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThank you. That is exactly what I need to do.
ReplyDelete