I’m thinking
of writing a book. Nah, I’m not a writer. But if I were and if I were to write
a book I think it would be called “A Silly Girl’s Guide to Sifting Through All
of the Crap You Go Through n a Year.” Okay so I would need to work on the title
but you have to admit, once you start reading the title, you have to commit to
reading it all.
Someone said
that in order to write, you have to be an expert at something. I don’t believe
that because I have read a few books that revealed the author to be a big ol’
boob. Regardless I started to think about what I am an expert at. I wear a lot
of hats and I have done a few things in my life. Nothing worth publishing for
the masses. I’m really good at taking naps. I don’t do it that often but when I
do, I am good at it. I wouldn’t call myself and expert. I can cook, again no
expert here. Maybe I should examine what kind of hats I wear. I have a bunch
and sometimes it is hard to keep them on. My Mom Hat comes in different sizes
depending on the situation. Most of the time I think it is a big floppy one
that hides all of the stuff I didn’t have time to get to. My Wife Hat isn’t a
pretty as it once was, it hides behind the mom hat. Every now and then it comes
out and always makes me smile. My Worker Bee hat is just that. Nothing fancy. My
Soccer Coach hat is white with purple words, again nothing fancy. I have a
Couch Potato hat but I can’t seem to find it. My Domestic Whatever hat is on a
lot. Maybe I am an expert at domestic stuff. I don’t think so because I saw a
bunch of dust bunnies in the corner this morning. I also had a Daughter Hat. I
don’t wear that one much anymore. I miss that hat.
There are
more. Those are the main ones. Am I good at any of those things? I don’t think
so, at least not good enough to write about them in depth.
I have had a
few events happen in my life. Some interesting, some to give you good goose
pimples and some tragic. My mom’s death has been the only thing I have written
about so maybe I am an expert at writing about her. Or maybe I am getting good
at sifting through my crap.
Let’s
explore here.
Everyone
knows the five stages of grief, as presented to us in the Kubler-Ross model.
(Don’t know how to put the two dot thingies over the “u”). I think they are
good but I have my own. By the way, I think if you hear, “your mom is going to
die” then your grief starts then.
SILLY GIRL’S STAGE OF GRIEF
1. Shear and utter shock, tears, uncontrollable sadness.
2. Anger at the guy who is supposed to fix the problem but says he can’t.
3. Stupid silliness. For me this came when I realized it was unfix-able. Lots of jokes because I didn’t know what else to do. I guess you could say this is acceptance.
4. More anger. Anger at the treatment, anger at the clock.
5. Complete submersion in facts, research and hope finding. Never denial though.
6. Saddness.
7. Relief
8. Emptiness
9. Lonliness
10. Shock again but this time because of what people try to say to make “it” better and also because my uncle grabbed my butt at the visitation and gala. Did my mom know what a horrible rat he is?
11. Lost
12. Lost
13. Lost
14. Lost
15. Peeking out from under the grief.
16. Realizing that I didn’t die and I have to go on.
17. Back under the grief covers, but not all the way.
18. Coming out and seeing the world go on.
19. Finding my smile.
20. Living without my boulder.
I do realize
that there are no scientific studies to back my 20 steps. I imagine that I will
find that there are really more. Between you and me, I haven’t done number 20
yet. It’s smaller and more manageable but I still carry it around. I can’t tell
you why, but I have to keep it for now.
Am I an
expert in getting through grief? Not hardly. But one thing I have learned is,
no matter how many hats people wear, no matter how many faces they put on, they
all grieve. I feel sorry for those who don’t. It means they have never loved.
May will be
one year. During that year I lost, in order, several fish, my cat, my mom, more
fish, my dear friend, two frogs, the mother of one of my best friends, more
fish, my aunt, a bunch of baby fish, a dog who we found a new home for and
another dog who is going to God’s house later this week. I have had a year!
With the exception of the fish, I have grieved over all of these loved ones. I
will grieve over the dog. FYI he is very old and we have loved him dearly.
I have
grieved.
I am not an
expert but I know how I am doing it, I think. Am I going to write a book about
it? Nope. I’m just going to keep blogging in the hopes that someday, I will
figure out which hat fits the best.
If you haven’t
donated, I wish you would. If you have, please tell everyone about the silly
girl who is trying to raise a million dollars to fight pancreatic cancer.
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