I believe that
I am a person who can rationalize situations and see people for who they are. I
feel that I am a fair person and that I can (if I choose) give a person a
second chance.
People are
almost never what you think. I discovered that the other day.
I don’t see
people as clearly as I once did. I discovered that the other day.
I’m
bothered.
Let me start
by saying that I have had so many fast changes in the past week that I think my
ability to size up my environment and the people in it has been dulled. (I’ll
write about that at a later date).
I have
always had this ability or sense about me that can see people. My husband would
come home from work and tell me about this person or that and I could tell him
what their angle was. Almost always I was right. If I felt that someone wasn’t
honest or they seemed shifty, I usually steered clear.
I’m getting
old because I missed a really big one. I’m not upset that I did, I am upset
that it bothers me.
As you know,
we are moving. We have been working on the plans for a home with a local
builder. Actually it is his sales rep. Nice guy but I will say something in the
beginning made me feel that he was strange. I ignored it because he had
something that we needed….a home. He doesn’t seem to be the brightest star in
the sky and that concerned me because I am viewing this home as my “forever
home until my kids move out” kind of home. This is an important move.
I’ll spare
you the long drawn out story. As it turns out the sales rep is a sex offender.
How we found out was purely accidental. He doesn’t know that we know and
really, it doesn’t matter. We have business with him and nothing more. When our
business is concluded, we will part ways and life will go on. In the past my
initial response would have given him the benefit of the doubt. I would have thought
“poor guy, probably hooked up with a girl when he was young and didn’t know her
age.” Not this time. My reaction was, where are my kids when we are doing our
business. My gut instantly told me to shield my babies and protect them with my
life. I know, dramatic but that is the honest truth. I realized that and told
myself to step back and look at the situation.
Without
sharing too much of this man’s business, his crime wasn’t that clear cut. He
was old enough to know better, he hid, he was hunted and he did jail time.
There was a newspaper article.
I am
bothered. Is that how I am supposed to be? I don’t know because I have never
knowingly encountered a situation like this. I will never let on that I know,
but I know.
He has a
right to work. He is married and needs to provide. But still, my stomach turns.
He is different now. He is someone who did something, that is public knowledge,
repulsive and vile. He is a sex offender. He knew better.
More drama
here.
I scanned my
memory and wondered if he shook my kids hands, if I left them alone for a
moment (I had to potty once), or if he looked at my kids in an inappropriate
way. The answers are no. I am overreacting, right? He has been quite the
opposite. I even made a comment that he must not be around kids much because he
doesn’t know how to interact with them. Looking back, he has created a distance
and I believe that is a good thing.
I am upset
with myself. I do give second chances, not thirds. I am finding that I don’t
want to give this guy a second chance. That’s not fair of me and I try to be
fair. What is wrong with me? Maybe because his crime happened in the recent
past, maybe the nature of the events. I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t
not see what he did when I see him. How do I look past that? At first I thought
that we needed to find another builder but really my problem isn’t with the
builder, just his employee. I wonder if he even knows. Shame on him if he doesn’t.
In my never-ending
quest to figure out who I am after all that I have been through, I am finding
that I have changed. How could I not? I’m not sure how I feel about it either.
Is the above response typical of a mom? I wish someone would tell me because I
lost the only person who would say, “Carole that’s just part of being a mom.” I
am finding that when I lost my mom, I lost my way. Maybe I never knew my way
from the start. Maybe I counted on my mom to hold my hand and take me where I
needed to go. I don’t know the answer. She does but she can’t tell me. My
questions remain, “Who am I? Am I a normal mom? Am I crazy? Am I borrowing
trouble?” Wish I knew, or do I?
I’m a mess,
a work in progress. Wonder if I will ever be complete.
I realize
that I have spilled someone’s secret here. That wasn’t my intention and I do
apologize. What this has all brought up inside me are questions about myself. I
am afraid that I have become unforgiving and judgmental. This guy is just trying to earn a
living. I happen to know his secret. I can’t un-know it now. How do I separate that
secret from the business that has yet to be completed? Knowledge is power. Sure
is, but sometimes knowing is confusing.
No comments:
Post a Comment