Sometimes I think I am going along just fine and then
something sweeps my legs out from under me. My
husband tells me that when I am sick or really tired I miss my mom more.
He’s right. I’ve missed her a lot these past couple of weeks.
I was in a store today and I saw a younger lady and an older
lady. There were little kids with them and they were shopping in a store that
was designed for kids. I’m sure I missed what was really going on but what I
noticed was how much the adult ladies look like each other. A mother and her
daughter. Then it occurred to me that I don’t have my shopping partner any
more. Suddenly I was sad. Then I realized that I am sort of running on fumes
right now so I tried to explain it away.
My dad called on Valentine’s Day. First of all my dad almost
never calls me and he has never wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. Yesterday he
did both. I can’t tell you how happy that made me.
My dad called me.
Up until yesterday, I have felt parent-less. Yesterday, my
parent called. It is a small step but one that means the world to a daughter
that has been a little more down than usual.
Before my mom left, I made sure that there wasn’t one single
thing that I could say, “I wish I had of…” about our relationship. I felt and
still feel that we left nothing undone, except…I would like a mom hug. Not a I’m
a mom and I happen to be hugging someone kind of hug. I want a full on, can’t
catch your breath, all is right in the world kind of a hug. That’s what I need.
I give those to my kids but they don’t quite get it just yet. They will but it
still doesn’t take away the need I have for a hug from my mom. I think about
that every day. I can push everything else away, but not that. My mom could
give the best hugs. If you are one of the lucky people who have been on the
receiving end of her hugs then you understand. When she hugged, she meant it.
Oddly enough, a few weeks ago I had a dream about my mom.
The short version, God let her come back to see me. She was healed and she
hugged me. It wasn’t long enough, the good dreams never last long. Funny
though, the bad dreams seem to go on forever.
My mom hugged me in my dream.
I’ve said it many times before, dreams are just the way our
subconscious gets rid of all of the things that sit in our minds. Or something
like that. I don’t believe that my mom was “talking” to me. I believe it was
something that I have been wanting for close to a year now and it popped up in
my dream at the time it was supposed to. Still, it was a good dream and the hug
felt real. The hug was my mom’s hug. For that moment, that second in my dream,
all was right in the world.
Then I woke up.
No hug, but my dad called. That was his parent hug and it
felt good.
I have so many memories of my mom but one that just keeps
coming back is our last Thanksgiving together. I cooked and she just didn’t
like that. Thanksgiving was her holiday. We helped but she did most of the
cooking. She never liked to just sit by and watch someone else do it. I was
nervous because it was the first time that I was going to see her with her new
wig. Anyone who knew her knew that her hair was always the same and it sort of
was her little trademark. I was scared that she wasn’t going to look like my
mom. I heard the door open and I hear the usual chatter. I stayed in the
kitchen. She rounded the corner and she was beautiful. I was struck at how thin
she was but she was beautiful. She was my mom. She set her things down and gave
me a hug. That face, that hug sticks with me these days.
I miss her hugs.
I am trying to be a mom like her. I am trying to say “I love
you” more and I am trying to hug more. The problem is that I let things get in my
way. I let the silly stuff of everyday life get in my way. I’m working on it. I
do hug my kids all the time. I give them kisses and I tell them I love them. I
hope that when they are grown with their own children that they still
appreciate all of that. I intend to do it all of their lives.
My son is the most affectionate. He will kiss me and tell me
“Mom you deserve that.” He will also tell me that he has a secret and then the
whispers that he loves me. It makes me feel like all is right in the world.
Just a side note, last night he said, “Mom I love you more
that fish sticks.” The problem there, he has never had a fish stick. Oh well,
he is four and the point is, he loves me and in that moment, all was right.
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