I think I’m
going through a phase. Kids do it. We are always saying, “oh it’s just a phase.”
My four year olds are going through a phase. Not together, they like to
alternate. So, if kids go through phases, what makes us think that there is a
magic point in time that these phases stop?
I’ve covered
the stages of grief and then my version of the stages. I think there are more
stages, but right now I am in a phase. You’ve all heard the phrase, “sometimes
bad things happen to good people.” I was told that just shortly after my mom’s
diagnosis.
Sometimes bad
things happen to good people.
I consider
my family and myself good people. I’m not sitting here waiting for something
bad to happen. But every pain, fever, bump or what we call a bongadee (when you
bang part of your body against something that hurts) causes me to stop and
wonder to myself, what does it mean?
I’m not
afraid of cancer. I’m afraid of the treatment. I’m afraid of the process and
the suffering. I believe that I have seen true suffering. I don’t want to see
it again.
I am
supposed to give it to God, to have faith. I try but what creeps into my mind
is that God’s plan and my plan may not be the same and I have no way of knowing
what is around the next bend. Blind faith is hard and I am working on it.
This week my
kids have been sick. By the grace of God, and I mean that, it isn’t the barfing
kind of sick. They have been running a fever. Nothing serious, but try telling
the little nagging voice in my head. My son has ear infections. He is fine. My
daughter has an off and on again high fever. No flu, no strep. Very congested
and really bad breath. I think it’s a sinus infection. Both have antibiotics.
No problem. I worry because I don’t know what is going on in their tiny bodies.
Is something growing that isn’t supposed to be? Is there something ticking? Is
this normal? I don’t want it to be. I want to be the kind of mom that takes
each day as it comes and not the kind that borrows trouble. I don’t know how to
do that. I see other moms who look like they have it together. I am a mess. I’m
a worrying, stressing, frumpy, tired mom/wife.
I am going
through a phase.
Most of the
time when I type, I come up with solutions to my issues. As I sit here, I don’t
see a solution. How do I stop worrying that something else is going to happen
and take someone I love away? If cancer can attack MY mom, it can attack
anyone. None of us are so special that we are immune to it.
Is this a
normal phase?
Two more
months and it will be one year since she left. I still haven’t been to the
grave. I wonder if I should. Not yet. My dad keeps flowers there. I can’t do
that, she isn’t there. I am doing something soon that I think will be helpful.
I am hoping it will be a way that I can let the boulder go. I don’t want to let
it go because I’ve said it many times, when I let it go, I’ve let my mom go. I
think I need to let it go. I’ll let you know more after it happens.
I feel old.
My mom didn’t
want this for me. I know I can’t be up all the time, but I can’t be down all
the time either. I have to push through. I do wonder if what I am doing here
and in my life is just masking all of the things I haven’t dealt with. Have I
swept so much under the rug that I am going to trip? That worries me because
falling apart isn’t a phase I want to go through. I want to be strong, I want
know that even though she isn’t here, all is good in the world.
I told my
husband the other day that I think I want to put all of these entries into a
book for my kids. At some point in the long, long, long away future, they are
going to feel this way. For me, there were no guidelines, no books, no
instructions. I have muddled through, day by day, by myself. I have lots of
people around to help, but it’s my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my
loneliness. They couldn’t get me through. This has been and continues to be
somewhat of a solitary journey. My hope is that when it is my time to go I can
give my kids my book. Maybe it will help them. Maybe they will read about what
I’ve gone through and they will know that they can do it and they aren’t alone.
Maybe I am wrong here. I would have loved for my mom to have given me some sort
of instructions. Then maybe she wouldn’t have wanted me to know how she hurt.
I have no
answers today, just questions.
On a lighter
note, we have moved into our apartment. We have giants that live above. They
have bladder issues because the potty flushes all the time. My kids think we
have pet mice that can write. I see two horses out of my bedroom window, I
smell farm. The roosters crow each morning and occasionally the skunk sprays. I
don’t like it here but it is temporary and I am thankful for my blessings.
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