CAROLE DENISE!

Tragedies happen all the time. Some may think that they are only considered tragedies if they happen on a large scale. I happen to think that anything that jars your life, changes your direction without permission in a way that can only be viewed as tragic can be considered a tragedy.

  

A bombing, an explosion or a diagnosis of an incurable disease. These are all tragedies, some just have more people involved. Before I delve into my own self-evaluation, I want to say that I hate tragedies and I wish we could avoid all of them. I pray for the people in Boston and also for the people in the tiny town of West, Texas. I also pray for all of my PC family. We have all experienced our own very similar levels of tragedy.

It is a given that there will be more. It is a given that people will die and those of us left here will be awarded the difficult, often impossible task of making sense and moving on.

The question is, how does one do that? That has been my task.

How am I doing that?

I’m sure there is more to it but I believe I can give much of the credit to my very patient husband. He might not agree but I do think that if it wasn’t for him, I would be sitting in a corner wondering what to do. He lost his dad a while ago, he knows what I have been going through. I think that has helped. He also knows the relationship that I had with my mom. He never made fun or criticized. He embraced it and became part of our little group

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My mom absolutely loved my husband. He was a son to her and she loved to tell the story of how we met, fell in love and how he “saved” me from a less desirable relationship. He likes to say that he stole me away. Twenty years later, he still says the same thing.

I also believe that my friends and my Mom2 have saved me from the constant wallowing that I tend to get stuck in. I have met many people this last year, oddly enough through the social media that I loathe. Two stand out. They feel like family. They know how I feel and as sad as that is, it is so very comforting to this silly girl. Someday I hope to meet them and give them a hug. I hope you two know who you are.

As the anniversary gets closer, I find that I am having more trouble. I hate change and it seems that this year has been full of all the evil that lies within that word. 

Why should that day, that very terrible day be any different? Yes it was the day my mom breathed her last breath. It’s not like it was a surprise. I believe she left days before. Still, I’m sad. I’m tired of being sad.

I don’t know what I expected this milestone to feel like. I’m not there so maybe I’ll figure it out. I do know that I never expected to be dealing with this at this point in my life. I bet everyone says the same thing, “I thought we had more time.” Well I did and we didn’t.

So strange, one minute you are chugging along and then next, a doctor is saying there is no hope, then the next you are at the final gala, remembering. Oh the memories. That’s all we have when they leave. Good thing and I am so very glad for that.

I long for the advice my mom would so willingly give. I long for a hug, a smile and a simple pat on my hand. I would even welcome the heart stopping way she would say “CAROLE DENISE!” Funny, just typing that makes me shudder. It almost always meant that I did something I shouldn’t have. The good thing is that most of the time when I walk through the memories I find myself smiling. That is definitely progress. My tears come when I let myself remember how she went from a lively, energetic and self-sufficient mom to a quiet, exhausted and dependent victim of pancreatic cancer. That’s the tragedy here. Surprisingly enough, it isn’t that she left, it is the pain and suffering that lead up to it. Most PC victims go through it. Tragic.

This has been a dark and lonely year that I had hoped would never come. Through it all, through all of the tears, I have kept my feet moving. I think that is the key. This year isn’t over and I really don’t know how the next couple of weeks will play out. I intend to just live the best I can. We will see.

Life goes on whether we like it or not. It’s what we do that separates us from our own successes and our heartbreaking despair. 

 http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive