Change, Change and More Change...Wish It Was the Silver Kind

I have come to a realization about myself. I am stronger than I thought.

Today marks the one year anniversary since I last saw my mom. One year ago today at around 4:30am she stopped breathing. I’m told it wasn’t that black and white but I wasn’t there so I am choosing to believe that she just faded away. It helps me. I will admit that when the phone rang early  that night I asked my husband to answer. My dad was on the other end and said that it wouldn’t be long. For some reason, I fell back asleep knowing that she would be gone when I woke up. It was the only thing I could do. No thoughts, no tears, just sleep.

My phone rang again and again my husband answered. He didn’t need to, we knew. For the second time that night, I fell asleep. No words, no tears, just sleep. She was gone.

We woke up early and drove to her house, only it was just my dad’s house. We finalized her wishes, made phone calls and all was quiet in the house. The heart of that house was gone. That was my third worst day. Sadness, numbness and a little relief that she was finally okay. She was, I wasn’t.

More phone calls, more sympathy, more quiet. I remember the quiet.

I can’t say this enough…..I hate change. Getting married was the easiest thing I have ever done. Being a mom has been the hardest. Missing my mom has been the biggest change of my life. I hate change.

This past year I began my journey through my grief by starting this blog. My private little self chose to grieve in a very public way. Why? Because at the time I felt alone and I wanted someone somewhere to tell me that I wasn’t going crazy and that it would all turn out to be just fine. I started this blog not for others to read, but I guess I was writing to myself. That sounds silly. Why didn’t I just keep a private journal? I don’t have that answer but I can say that this blog and the fine people who read have helped me go down a very unexpected path. One I hoped would be a long time away

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Before my mom left, I was unhappy with myself. Not with my life, but with who I was and where I was headed. My life was kids, work, home. Carole didn’t exist. Or at least I didn’t think she did. My mom’s passing added to my pile. I can only blame myself. I created this mess I like to call my pathetic, unhappy negative self. After my mom, I wallowed. It was easier than trying to rise above.

The other night I couldn’t sleep. I began to evaluate myself….again. Seems that’s all I do. Regardless, I came to the conclusion that if I ever hope to rise above then I am going to have to make some changes in the way I think and in the way I live my life. That’s right, I said I had to change. Scary thought.

Yesterday, I quit my job. I had been thinking about it for a while, but yesterday seemed to be the right time. A few knew, most didn’t. There are a lot of details I am leaving out, but for my health, for my happiness, I walked away from a place that was causing me a lot of misery. I cut loose several who were not bringing any value to my life. I think that is key. The people who surround you should enhance your life, not hurt it.

Big change and I did it

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This time last year I was a lost puddle mourning for the most wonderful mom a girl could ever have. I spent minutes, hours and days wondering how I would ever find my way. There were times that I found myself thinking it would be easier to just give up. My mom’s words played over and over in my head the whole time. “Carole I want you to be a good Christian, a good mom, a good wife and I want you to be happy.” My mission this past year has been to find my happiness. I am officially on my way.

Step one, quit my job…..check.

Step two, jump out of a perfectly good airplane. I am viewing this as a have to and a need to. I’m hoping to let go of a lot on that day. I’m a few weeks away from that one. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Step three, surround myself with people who help, not hurt.

Step four, find my path. I’m going to be working on that one for a while. It’s okay because I have time.

Am I still grieving? In a way I think I always will. People have told me over and over that it will get easier. No, it won’t and that’s okay too. I love her so deeply that I don’t want it to get easier. The minute it becomes easy is the minute I let go completely. Maybe even forget. I won’t do that. I will love and miss her for the rest of my life here. That is the kind of love I am proud of.

Am I through my process? No, I have accepted that it will go on for a long time. I won’t wallow though.

I think my mom would be proud of the progress I have made. Funny how my biggest epiphany shows itself on this first anniversary. I’m not through crying and I am certainly not through writing. The more I write, the less I cry. Funny how that works. 

So, on this day, I am going to live, shed a few tears and then I am going to write a letter to my mom and let it go with a balloon. We are all going to let balloons go today. But at the end of the day, I will still be a Christian, wife, mom, daughter, referee, boo-boo fixer, friend, maid, chef and dog walker. Today is just another day and that is how my mom would want it.

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