Pomp and Circumstance....And Zippers

Strange how life works. I say this all the time because really it is strange. It is a simple concept, you are born, you live, you die. It is black and white. The middle one is where all the confusion, heartache and laughter happen. As they say, it is just how life goes.

My kids came into this world in the most amazing way. Time seemed to stand still, but the hands on the clock were spinning out of control. I know, I watched. In the beginning it was a difficult adjustment. Two of everything. We had to do everything twice. Every event had to be choreographed. The life that my husband and I had built together ended and we started a new book that I sort of think of as Parenthood with a Side of Marriage. I say this is a humorous way. But really, being parents has been number one. When you have two at the same time, things are just different. Each adult always seems to be in charge of a baby. Unless one adult is at work and the other adult gets off schedule and both babies want to eat at the same time. I learned. We have learned.

As time/life moved forward, I started looking forward to milestones. “I can’t wait until they can hold up their own heads.” “If they could only walk.” “I’ll be glad when they can talk.” All of these statements are probably true for all parents but I found myself almost wishing time away. Then I would wish that I wouldn’t wish that. My babies mean the world to me, but I have been tired from day one. No surprise. I wouldn’t change a day.

This past September 4^th, (my mom’s birthday), my kids started Pre-School. It was a difficult decision but it was the right one. We didn’t think it would work out, so our expectations were low to begin with. Over the past 8 months we have seen a transformation in our babies that we just didn’t expect. Two days a week, I would drive them to school and take them to their classrooms. I got used to it. We watched as our daughter became a pink and red loving social butterfly who would come home, plan play dates and sing us the most wonderful songs. We watched as our son’s mind open up to the wonderful world of knowledge. It was the same for our daughter, but she liked the other girls and one boy. Our son became fascinated with learning. They learned their letters and numbers and we discovered last month that they could read a little. I don’t think they are ready for the Mensa test just yet, but we have watched our babies become real kids. Maybe that sounds strange, but as long as they were home with us, we had control and they were just our two babies. It is a natural progression but remember, I live in a bubble and I hate change of any kind. It happened anyway. They are walking, talking, learning people. Their world is bigger now.

Last Tuesday we went to their graduation. Our babies, our little amazing babies. 

We treated it just like a normal school program. Our daughter was going to recite her favorite bible verse (our son said it just wasn’t his thing). As we sat in the audience with our cameras and video recorder, we heard singing. The little ones walked single file into the chapel wearing their red graduation robes. Side note here. All of the kids were singing, but our daughter was by far the loudest and completely off key. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. The class was organized on the stage. They sang a few songs and the director was given her praises. Meanwhile, our son decided that his robe was too much so he began what I will call his strip tease performance. He unzipped a little at a time until it looked like he was wearing a jacket. As this was happening, he announced that his legs were tired of standing. His solution, cover his head with his robe. Apparently he was invisible.

The children were led to their seats and the tug-at-your-heart video began playing. The tears flowed. As I watched and cried, I looked over at my son and daughter. They sat in their chairs quietly, mostly dressed, and they looked for their faces on the screen. Floods of emotion came. My babies were growing up. It is inevitable but I am finding it very hard. I have been trying to find a way to keep their innocence but I can’t. They are becoming real, functioning people. Again I know that must sound strange, but when they were infants sometimes it seemed like it would be forever before we could have a conversation with them. Now we have to tell them to be quiet. They are growing up.

I wrote about their first day of school. I remember saying something about how on that day I sent them out into the world to begin their journey towards whatever they want to be. I did that and no matter how hard I want to, I can’t take it back. My heart hurts.

On Tuesday I realized that I have set their lives in motion. They have friends now. They can potty by themselves, they don’t need me for every little thing anymore. Again, my heart hurts.

Maybe I am being dramatic. I don’t know. I do know that over time, their need for me will be less and less. They won’t want me to pick out their clothes. They won’t need me to tell them what to do all the time. They will become independent and self-sufficient. They will become what they were meant to become. They will live their lives.

Before our babies were born, we read a lot of books. I don’t recall one of them describing how it would feel when parents have to release their grip on their babies. When my mom left, I struggled with how to let that go. Maybe not let it go but at least how to put it in its place. This is very much like that. I am struggling with letting my babies go…..a little at a time. I know what is waiting for them in the world. I know the petty, heartache, cynical world that is waiting for them. I want to hold on. The problem, I can’t and I know it. All those things wait for them but also kindness, love, hope and happiness. That is what I need to focus on, that is what I need to highlight. 

I’m sure every parent wants to stop time. I’m going to keep thinking about it but ultimately, I am going to let them live. I will never be far behind and I will always be there to catch them. 

I have the best babies in the world and I am so proud of them. 

By the way, the little strip tease earlier actually made us happy. It meant that our son knew how to work a zipper. Now if we can just get him to zip his pants.