An Asthmatic Should Never Forget That She is an Asthmatic

All of my life I have wanted to fly. Not so much in a plane, but to really fly like the birds. Sounds crazy and maybe it is. I did all of the usual stuff that kids do. I tried to make wings. I would jump off of the swing set with an umbrella. Nothing allowed me to soar. I never even floated.

Last January, my husband surprised me with the gift of flight. He gave me a gift certificate that was good for one jump out of an airplane. My initial reaction was that it was too expensive of a gift, but he assured me that it was something that I needed to do. We’ve been married over 20 years so that statement was genuine. He wasn’t hoping to “off” me. 

January isn’t the month to fly with the birds so the plan was to wait until it warmed here on the ground before I scheduled my event. The problem with that was that it gave the naysayers time to get into my head. That is never a good thing. I remember one comment very well from a friend who meant well. She said, “why would you do that to your kids?” That stuck and still plays out in my head.

Why was I willing to put my life in danger? What was I hoping to accomplish by doing this?

Believe me, I spent a lot of time trying to answer these questions. It wasn’t until after the jump, after I was walking on the ground that I figured it out. I’ll come back to this in a while.

In the beginning I thought it had something to do with my mom’s death. Maybe it was something I needed to do so that I could finally be at peace with her experience. Maybe it was the only way I could let go of the giant boulder that I have been carrying around. It was something that I felt that I needed to do. My husband understood.

When my mom was diagnosed, I researched and quickly understood what she was facing. I understood what we were facing. I was never angry at God but I found that I questioned why he would allow it. That has always been my question…..why? Why would my God allow pancreatic cancer to invade my mom’s body, cause her to suffer and then take her and leave us here to figure the rest out

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Why?

I still can’t say I have felt angry. Maybe I am and I just don’t have the sense to accept it. Maybe jumping out of an airplane was going to be my way my way of testing God. Maybe I was testing my faith in Him. I don’t like typing that. Regardless, that is the conclusion I came up with just before I jumped. If God was listening then somehow at the end of the jump I would know. Silly.

Yesterday was the day

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I’ll start by saying that I was never nervous, scared or deep down worried. I was calm the whole time (except when the camera guy stuck the camera in my face). That made me uncomfortable.

I will skip to the good stuff here.

 I was strapped to a tall skinny fella. He was nice but super serious and super cautious. I liked that. I have never been attached to another person, this was a new experience and one I can check off of my to do list. We boarded the plane and I have to say I was more than uncomfortable. The straps were so tight and my new partner was constantly adjusting, tightening and wriggling. When he moved, I moved. It was crowded, I’m claustrophobic and a mild asthmatic who forgot that I am a mild asthmatic. Breathing was difficult. In no time at all, we were flying above the clouds at 13,500 feet. It was high, I won’t kid you here. I love flying so I was enjoying the view. One moment blended with the next and suddenly I was answering the commands of my closely attached professional jumper. As I stood at the open door of the airplane, I thought of nothing. I was up high in the plane and I was about to be headed to the ground below. And just like that, I was free falling. The noise of the wind was loud. My ears plugged up and I felt pain. Pain from the straps, pain in my ear and pain in my chest.

Pressure.

They didn’t tell us about the dramatic pressure change beforehand. Too late now. Sixty seconds later the rip cord was pulled and our bodies were jerked to what seemed like a powerful stop.

We were floating.

Suddenly there was peace.

It was so quiet. I have never experienced quiet like that. The wind didn’t roar. I had a normal conversation with my new best friend. I felt peace. Not from my day-to-day life, not from my mom’s experience, not from the constant fight I am in for others, but just quiet peace.

We landed safely and I have to admit that I have struggled with what the experience was like. I stood on the rocks of the landing target, my whole body was wobbly and my head was spinning. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what just happened. Everything went by so quickly that my brain wasn’t able to process the events. When my husband asked how it was, I was at a loss. All I could say was that it was the strangest thing I have ever done but it was really neat. Still as I type, that is how I feel.

So back to my original questions. Why did I do this? What was I hoping to accomplish? Well I will say that I didn’t do it to test God. He was with my mom, he didn’t do anything to her and I don’t believe he allowed her to suffer. Ultimately he saved her. I didn’t need to jump out of an airplane to know that God is with me too.

The answer……simple……I just wanted to fly.