I Am Lacking Gumption and I Won't Pee in the Woods

I seem to be at a loss for words these days. I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes I just don’t know what to say.

I knew this past year was going to be hard. I think I didn’t have a clue how hard. I’ve marked each milestone and analyzed every feeling, emotion and event. Today I don’t know where I am in my process. Maybe that’s why I feel a little quiet. The problem is that I don’t know where I am supposed to be right now. Should I be over her death? Should I be hanging on to every moment spent without her? There isn’t a clear picture here. 

The fact is, I am not over her death and I don’t hang on to every moment that I spend here without her. 

In the beginning it was constant. I was sad and I was lost. After a while I was sad but not every second of the day.  Now it comes in waves and it comes when I’m not expecting it. This is just a guess but I think at some point, way down the road, I will only feel sad on certain days. In a strange way, that makes me sad.

The other day we were cleaning up our video camera. I am a picture person so looking at videos isn’t something that I typically do. My husband told me my mom was on the camera. Without thinking, I started watching. It was my children’s third birthday party. It was the last my mom would see.

There she was, doing what she always did. There on that tiny screen, was my mom. So full of life, so full of energy. She was alive. She was smiling.

Without my realizing it, the tears started flowing. All I could say was, “there she is.”

I say I don’t need pictures or videos. All I have to do is close my eyes. I see her, I hear her. I loved that video. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. She was beautiful.

I have not seen my mom in almost a year. Wow! Those are words I never thought I would type, say or even think. I have not seen my mom in almost a year. How many times can I type that before the reality hits. I can’t tell you how powerful that sentence is at this moment. More tears. The words are just hanging. The emptiness is back and my stomach feels like it dropped. Until this very moment, I have not thought about how long it has been since I’ve seen her. 

For the second time I say, I am at a loss for words. 

I don’t know if watching that video was the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter because I watched. I don’t feel any worse but I also don’t feel any better. I don’t know how I feel. I do know that when I was watching, I didn’t see anyone else except her. She was the main character. 

I miss my mom.

We talked every day of my life.

I don’t feel like analyzing my feelings here. They are whatever they are and all I can do it put one foot in front of the other in the hopes that I make progress. 

I do know that I am disappointed in myself. I am not looking for pity or even a pep-talk. I feel how I feel. 

Over the past couple of months I have let go of Million Dollars for Mom. I haven’t asked for money, ideas or help. I haven’t worn purple much and I have avoided the tragic stories that sound identical to mine. I retreated inside my bubble. I’ve been oddly warm and cozy. I could stay here but then the disappointment that I feel would eat at me. I’ve let a lot of people down and I am so sorry. 

A million dollars is the goal. Someone said it was a lofty goal. I think it is a necessary number. It means more than anyone will ever know. I lost my momentum, I’ve lost my drive. Somehow I have to get it back. I have no clue.

My friend is walking across America in the name of PC awareness and research. He has momentum and drive. I can’t and really don’t want to do what he is doing. It takes a special person to commit to that. Also, this silly girl doesn’t pee in the woods or stay in motels. He is making a difference in a dramatic way. I am proud of him and I hope he can bottle some of his gumption and loan it to me. He is an inspiration.

No, I’m not going to walk across America. I am going to keep asking and I am going to raise a million dollars. I hope that once that goal is reached, someone will be able to use it to find a cure. PC scares me, but it also drains me. I’m tired of it and I have to get moving again. 

I miss my mom and if PC had not invaded her body, she would be here to tell me which school my kids should go to. She would be picking out fabric for my house, she would be alive. I hate all cancers but mostly this one. It’s evil and almost 100% of the time, it kills.

If you haven’t donated, please click on the link below and do so. If you have donated, do it again. Give until it hurts. I am.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive