I have
written quite a lot over the past year. Sharing so publicly is not something
that is typical of me. I share in person with people. Actual people I can see.
Sending my thoughts, feelings and everything else out over the internet for the
world to read isn’t me. Still isn’t comfortable. But I have found that it is
helping me. I wonder if it helps anyone else.
These days I
am finding that I am stuck with seconds. Not secondhand, seconds. Up until May
7th of this year, I was struggling with firsts. First holidays,
events and milestones without my mom. She was always there and always the leader.
This past year we didn’t have a leader and me trying to take on that role just
seemed silly. I don’t know if I accomplished it, but I did my best. The people
that I want to notice aren’t the type to let me know. It’s ok, my little family
tells me that I’m progressing and doing a good job.
I thought
after the 7th things would settle down. I would know what to expect.
I’ve been wrong. Please write that down because I’m not wrong too often. When I
am, I do admit to it. Regardless, these seconds have been unexpected and hard in
a very different kind of way.
Last year I
marked every “thing” with “she wasn’t here. How do I do this without her?” This
year, so far I sigh a lot. Another event, milestone, holiday that she isn’t
here.
Another.
(sigh)
Some days it
feels like I am in the middle of the ocean and the wind just stops. No
movement, no nothing. Just nothing. She isn’t coming back. She isn’t coming
back. Typing this is just as hard now as it was this time last year. Why?
I am moving
forward because that is my job. Today and some other days, I don’t feel like
moving forward. I still want her here. I want to tell her so much and show her
everything. There is so much going on and I don’t have her to share it with. In
a way selfishly feel cheated. Childish I know because in my heart I know that
God needed her and in time, he will need the rest of us. But today, I want her
to call
.
“Hi Carole!
How was your day?” I took those two sentences for granted. I’m sorry Mom.
I could end
this here, but because I never know when to quit, I’ll keep writing.
Since May,
we have had our second recital, second birthday, second, second, second.
Yesterday was my parent’s anniversary. They would have been married over 50
years. The second anniversary without her. I wonder how my dad handled it. I
could ask but he would just say he is fine and then change the subject.
Next
year it will be the third, then fourth, then fifth. It won’t stop. I wonder how
I will feel as time goes on. Will my signs turn into nothing or will I continue
to sign. Will the tears go completely away?
For now, I
spend my time with my kids. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom. My husband
thought it would be too hard but I think I am hanging in there. We are building
a house, getting ready for a vacation and I am continuing to work towards
raising a million dollars for pancreatic research. I am approaching it
differently, but in the end there will be one million dollars raised to fight
this horrible disease that so many have. Right now I am just looking for one
million people, not dollars, people. Those people will be the donators, but so
far it seems like people are more willing to “like” Million Dollars for Mom as
opposed to donating one dollar.
I’ll find the people first.
I told my
husband the other day that once we get to a million dollars I will finally be
able to say, “Look mom. I did it. I did it for you.”
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