I’m being
followed. Not by someone, that would be easy to get rid of. I think what is
following me is worse. I’ll come back to it in a bit.
I’ve said
many times, the worst day of my life was the day my mom called and told me that
she had pancreatic cancer and that it couldn’t be fixed. That day plays over
and over in my head. It won’t go away and I wish with all my might that I could
go back and erase that horrible, tragic day. I can’t. I’ve also said that I
quickly started my research and based on the facts as I knew them, I accepted
what was happening. I said I was never angry at God and I meant it. More about
that a little later too.
As everyone
knows (and everyone is probably sick of hearing), earlier this year I sold my
house and I have been living in an apartment. February 14th, that’s
how long we have been in our villa. We have three more months. It is no secret
that I am not happy with our living arrangements. I can manage this lifestyle,
it is the continuous plague of illnesses that we have had since our move. We
have calculated that since moving here, someone in our little family has been
sick every two weeks. Sinus infections, strep, ear infections, something called
hand, foot and mouth disease, random fevers, colds and allergies. I believe it
is the villa that is causing some of this and the stress of knowing we have
three more months is tremendous to me. I’m great at exaggerating, when
necessary, but in this case I’m not. This place was not cleaned before they
finished the floors and the dust is abundant. We can’t seem to get rid of it.
The next question, what is the dust?
So I will
accept my responsibility in all of this. We chose to take this path to a new
home. We did not choose to risk the health of our family. Nothing makes me feel
more helpless than when my babies are sick. I question everything and everyone.
Since my mom’s diagnosis, I have been for the next shoe to drop. You see, I
have always believed that anything can happen to anyone, just not to my family
or even me. Until that day. I quickly changed that belief. Bad things happen to
everyone.
Bad things
can happen to me.
So with ever
runny nose, fever or stomach issue, I have a scary dark cloud that hovers. I
feel like it is waiting to strike me down by attacking those I love the most.
My kids have
just recovered from the same illness. My daughter suffered the most and to see
her so sick just socked me in the gut. It wasn’t serious, just a sinus
infection, a horrible nosebleed, some barfing and strep. Normally I would worry
but I would try to push that dark cloud away. Only this time, we had blood work
done to make sure something else wasn’t going on. To my surprise, the numbers
were a tad low. I was told nothing was wrong and to come back in two days for a
recheck. Same result but this time we were told to come back in 10 days. It
hasn’t been ten days yet and my cloud is growing. I Googled and it grew.
I’ve
worried, cried and relived the phone call that my mom made to me. I have
discovered that I am angry. I still don’t believe that God did this to my mom,
but I do believe that he could have fixed her. I’m not mad at Him. I am mad
that she isn’t here.
Is it
happening again? Is my daughter sick?
Probably
not, or at least that is what friends are telling me. Faith is being tested. I
think I am failing because I can’t let go of my control.
Why do I
feel like everything is going to be bad news? Is this normal? I don’t know
because those around me have never had such a jarring tragedy. I call it that
because it was so unexpected and very horrible to watch and move through. When
will this dark cloud go away?
When I am
tired and those around me sick, I miss my mom. I miss that reassuring voice. I
miss the support.
Well, I’m
tired of hanging on so tight that I can’t breathe. I am tired of borrowing
trouble. I am tired of believing that my mom’s illness and death define the
future of my family. How do I let that go?
I don’t know
yet.
Most likely,
my daughter is fine and the numbers were a result of all that went on when she
was sick. She is a happy little girl who almost never has any issues other than
those a Drama Queen might have. Still……I worry.
My daughter
says she wants to be a princess when she grows up. She asked, “Mama, can little
girls really be princesses when they are grown-ups?” I told her yes. Some may
think I’m lying to my baby girl. I’m not. She is a princess now and when she
grows us she is going to meet her handsome prince and they are going to live
happily ever after. That I know for sure.
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