Do You Put the Pretty Side Up or Down?

When my dad calls the name on my phone says “Mom”. I need to change that but I just can’t. I’m frustrated because I am hanging on to silly things. It’s a name on my phone. What is wrong with me?

People tell me that it has only been a year and I still have healing to go through. Pffft, I need to get on with it. She didn’t want this for me and I need to honor that. But I just seem stuck, again.

Everything reminds me of something. Putting sheets on the bed is a big one. “Carole, you put the top sheet with pretty side down. That way when you turn the covers back you will see pretty.” I have grown to dislike changing the sheets.

Her voice is everywhere.

I’ve been avoiding writing anything lately because I am afraid that after all this time I still come across as sad and pathetic. I was hoping that at this moment in time I would be full of spirit, hope and most of all life. I wasn’t counting on being blindsided off and on again.

This isn’t how it is supposed to be, at least that is what I think.

Moms are something. They take care of you, offer advice, guide you, discipline you and most of all love you. I don’t think we see all of this while it is going on. I didn’t but I did “get it” after I grew up. I made sure to thank her often. Moms tell you everything you need to know. You may look at it like it is her way of being bossy, but really they are teaching us the way of the world, how to live. Tons of tidbits that are passed on throughout life are unknowingly filed away in the minds of their children. I was told countless times that I didn’t listen or that I was just too hard-headed. I did listen, I just wasn’t about to let on that I was.

So, here I am, one year and two months after, crying because I don’t have her here to boss me around. I’m angry that I have to figure things out for myself. Doesn’t that sound spoiled? Well I think it does but then I don’t care because if I am spoiled, my mom did it and I am forever grateful. She loved me so much that she wanted everything for me. Not stuff, I never had everything I thought I needed. She gave me tons of love and care. I was my mom’s baby girl.

Why after all of this time, am I still feeling like I need her guide me through life? I trusted her advice, didn’t always take it, but I trusted it. She had wisdom of life on her side and that means a lot to me. When she said to put the pretty side down, I knew she had a good reason. For the record, I put the pretty side up. We agreed to disagree. No matter what was going on in her life, no matter how many directions she was being pulled in, she made time for me. So many times I would call her distraught, angry or crushed. She was practical and straight forward. I don’t think she ever sugar-coated her words. I hated that. I always hoped she would tell me what I wanted to hear. No matter what, I knew that she loved me and she wasn’t about to give me false advice. I trusted her. Even at my age, I knew that no matter what, my mom would lay her life down for me without hesitation. I miss that. It’s gone.

Or is it?

She isn’t here but her words are in my head. Her beliefs, her wisdom, her love, it’s all in me. I know it and still, I would trade it for her

I can’t and that hurts

.

What does all of this mean? When am I going to be practical and realize that the only way I will see her again is when I go to God’s House? When am I going to let go of the frustration that I don’t have control and I don’t have to have her HERE to have her with me?

TIME, TIME TIME!

That’s is what I am told it takes. Time is my enemy. It goes by no matter what and it is destructive. It signals change and we all know I’m not friends with change.

I’m afraid that I am becoming more pathetic, more closed off and sadder. I’m afraid that I have hit a wall and I’m just going to miss her terribly all the time. I can’t. That isn’t healthy, that isn’t what she told me to do. She told me to live. SHE TOLD ME TO LIVE!

So, no matter what comes my way, no matter how bad I want to retreat inside my bubble, I have to keep living. It is my job to take her words, her teachings, her wisdom and guide my babies. I do see it happening. Sometimes I catch it before it comes out of my mouth.

During the time that she was here, my mom was a great mom. When I think and speak and I realize that the thoughts and words are hers, I realize that she is still a great mom. She is just speaking through me.