I don’t
write much anymore because quite frankly, I don’t need to. I’m not pathetically
sad and empty like I was and I am not needing to work through my grief. Very
simple, I grieved and now I am finished. Strange statements to read, strange
statements to make.
What
changed?
“Cry for a
little while Carole, then move on. Don’t spend your life crying.”
Very
profound words from the person I’ve been crying about.
It has been
a long and gradual process, one that many have followed, some have tried to
understand and most have tried to help. For all of that, I give you my deepest
thanks. Up and down is how it has been for over two years. Happy, sort of, and
then sad.
Empty,
incomplete, lost.
Time has
been the one thing that has done it for me, oh and that one little that
happened about a month ago……..
I don’t like
events where people gather. Specifically, events that my mom went to and now
she is absent. You know the ones, holidays, birthdays, special occasions. I
feel like she has been gone forever and it frustrates me because she isn’t here
to orchestrate.
Summer is
busy for us with birthdays, anniversaries and as always the highly anticipated
vacation. Oh that vacation. How I do love a good vacation; relaxation, new
places and no allergies (we always go to the beach and we all clear up once we
are there).
June is the
beginning and this year we started with a Frozen themed birthday party complete
with an over-priced cake. It was good but not $120 worth. My parent’s
anniversary then another birthday party. This time Star Wars Jedi training
course.
Let’s start
just before this particular birthday.
It all began
when we couldn’t decide where to go on vacation. Back to our normal beach, a
cruise, a long drive to a new beach or just a giant water park locally. We were
blessed with a friend who had access to a free beach house in Mississippi. Whoo
Hoo! FREE!!! Not my first choice in destinations but you can’t beat free. There
we decided about two week-ish before the Star Wars party. The stickler for me,
we were leaving the day after the party for the beach. Oh the stress. No
problem, just get through the party and then pack and go.
Nope, nope,
nope!
The Monday
before, I received a call telling me that my dad was having chest pains and his
elbows hurt. I called my dad and sure enough, he was getting ready to go to the
ER. Once there, he coded. I was told he was down for 15 minutes. About an hour
later he was in ICU, on a vent and sporting the newest gear in major heart
attack wear…….a stint.
CRAP!
Somehow I
made it to him and everything turned out fine……..so far.
Next,
birthday party. My dad and brother weren’t there but it went off without a
glitch.
Vacation.
I hate last
minute things and getting ready for this vacation was definitely a last minute
thing. We managed and soon we were loaded and traveling.
It was
eventful.
1. Dinner at a Cracker Barrel…….not
tasty and full of interesting folks.
2. Tried to push through to the half-way
mark but the kids wanted a bed.
3. Expedia said the La Quinta was rated
well……..it lied.
After a
night of little to no sleep we began the last half of our journey.
4. At the rest stop, my daughter’s hat
ever so slowly, slipped off into the potty.
5. As we were leaving my son decided to
pull some Spanish moss out of the tree. Bad idea because hiding inside that
moss was a swarm of mosquitos who were not happy about the little six year old
disturbing their nest.
We made it
and it was time to go grocery shopping. After at least an hour of shopping with
two tired kids and my grumpy self we went to the register to check out. Queue
the buzzer sound. Because we were out of state, our credit card company decided
to put a hold on our card. We had to pay cash. No problem but not ideal.
After
leaving the lovely store we were cruising along looking at the scenery when we
came to a complete stop. What we saw next was just funny. Cars were basically
parked and there were grown men running down the lanes chasing a Wiener Dog.
Who’s dog was she, I didn’t know but I knew I wasn’t taking her home with me.
So after a few minutes of watching the little circus, the little dog came
running at our car. Yes, you guessed it, I got out, bent down and she came
right to me. One lady expressed her happiness at the fact that I caught her and
then proceeded to tell me where to drive her to find the owners. To which I
replied, “I don’t live her, I’m on vacation.” She was taken off of my hands and
I felt that my luck had changed.
I realize
this is a long story, but the events made this vacation long.
All was well
and we finally began our time to relax. Fishing was next up and I know we
always have fun fishing. My son loves fishing and he immediately began catching
croakers. He squealed like a little girl and it was priceless. I recorded it……..only……..it’s
gone.
I…..dropped…….my……phone…….in…….the…….ocean…….
My husband
tried to get it, but it was gone forever. Every picture, every recording, every
text, every voice mail……………………………even
the last voice mail that my mom sent me. “Hi Carole. We made it to Houston and
everything is fine. I actually feel pretty good. I love you.”
Gone.
It was like
she died again. My heart hurt, my stomach turned, she was really gone now.
I prayed.
It was ok. I
realized in that moment that hanging onto a voice mail was silly. I never
listened to it, but it was there. I didn’t need her voice, I didn’t need her
words. I have them in my head and my heart.
It was time
to let go and that is what I did.
I purchased
a new phone with nothing on it. I added my Dad’s number and I put “Dad” beside
it. Mom isn’t here. She isn’t the one calling me.
So the
vacation went on and there were many more strange events but I won’t go on
here. It’s over, the past is in the past. I have my memories and I can move on.
No, I don’t
need to write anymore, I’ve made it to the other side and I feel peace. I know
where my mom is and I know she is safe, healthy and happier than we can
imagine. She is in Heaven and someday, she will greet me with open arms and she
will hug me and say, “welcome home Carole, I love you.”
FYI, just
because I don’t need to write anymore doesn’t mean I won’t. I like to talk.
No comments:
Post a Comment