Whew! That Took Way Too Long To Write!

Do you ever wonder if it is all worth the effort?

Very cryptic I know but I find myself wondering if just my effort alone is worth all of the tears, stress and frustration.

I am they type of person who puts forth effort, not always 100% but I do tend to do more than my fair share. My mom was that way. 

I just get tired.

Did she get tired too? How did she keep going?

Funny, when she was here, my effort wasn’t as great. She did it and I came along for the ride. She was my first phone call, my reporter, my inquirer. She was able to do it all and I now find that it is part of my life now.

Things are just different and that is the one thing that I can’t figure out how to deal with.

Life is different, people are different. 

I’m a people watcher like so many others. I like to think that I can see people, talk to people and size them up pretty quickly. I usually know within a few sentences if the person is someone I want to get to know or someone I want to just walk away from. I hope it isn’t taking it as judging, because that is the last thing I want to do. I have finally reached a point in my life where I feel that I need to surround myself with people who have like values, morals, goals and such. I have spent way too much time with nay-sayers, disbelievers and just all around life-sucker-outers. Having kids has put all of my choices and decisions at the top of my “do right” list. I’ve done my fair share of judging, joking, poking and avoiding. Kids have changed the way I think, the way I act and the time I go to sleep at night.

Last year as a result of a couple of negative quitters, I decided that public school wasn’t for my kids and homeschool was our only option. If you’ve read religiously, you know that I left teaching public school because, well, I just didn’t enjoy it. I was good at it and I had been involved in the schools for a really long time. I taught for four years and the last year I decided that it just wasn’t what I was built for. Too much pressure, too much catty behavior, too many telling me how, when and what to teach. So I left to teach in college. It wasn’t stressful, it wasn’t pressure-filled and I was able to work on my art at the school I taught at. Seemed like a good thing. Over time, art took over and teaching formally just went away. 

Art became my thing. I won’t say that I am great, but I like what I did and in the end that was what mattered. 

Cut to 2008.

Two babies, loads of stress and the beginning of my big change.

Being a new mom was hard. My kids had to be the center and that was hard to adjust to. I am the first to say that I didn’t do the greatest job in the beginning. I didn’t like getting up every 4 hours and I was tied down. Not in a bad way, but it was change and for the millionth time…….I don’t do change well.

I will say that I am getting better at it. Kids wake up to a new day each morning. Change for them is normal. Nothing is ever the same, they make it up as they go. Wouldn’t it be nice to do that sometimes? Oh to be child-like.

Kids, they really know how to live in a fun and positive way.

………………….

So at this point I have to admit, this post has taken me months to write. In the beginning I sat down with a negative attitude. Not about life as a whole, but about specific parts of it. I’ve written, deleted and written I don’t know how many words. I think I am concerned at how I come across and how it will be perceived and reported. That makes no sense to most but it does to me. 

I am fine I think. I feel fine at least.

Today I had a moment when I wanted to call my mom and talk about the giant turkey I am trying to thaw. I don’t do that much. When she left, I accepted it right away. But today, for some odd reason, I wanted to call her. It was silly. I know how to thaw and cook a turkey. I just wanted to talk a little.

Time has passed, people have moved on. Has it happened the way she wanted? No. That’s hard because I have tried to carry out her wishes. Maybe it is just harder for some to adjust.

It is what it is.

So, on this, the third incomplete Thanksgiving, I am preparing to cook the entire meal myself. 

She loved to have family around. 

She loved the holidays.

Yes I am ok and I am living. I am also thankful for so many things. My family and all the love my husband, two babies and the Chiweenie give me are at the top. They are a top notch family. I am thankful for the time I spent with my mom during those last weeks. I am thankful I was able to tell her what her casket looked like. My mom knew it all. I am thankful she is at peace. She is deserving. 

I apologize for the rambling here. Like I said this post has taken a really long time to write so the contents aren’t cohesive. But these are my thoughts and I know what I mean. Something had to be worked out here and I think I am on the right track.

Thank you to all who read this silly girl’s words. I am grateful to have this as my workin’ out the hard stuff spot.