Emmy's Crackers

I say that I don’t write much anymore because I don’t really have anything to say. The truth is, I have too much to say but I don’t feel like I can.

Three years ago when I started this blog it was because I hoped to raise awareness and money in the fight against the horrible disease that invaded my mom’s body. I also hoped that this blog would fix the hurt that I felt. It has done all three, mostly, but I do still hurt. 

Very little time has gone by since May 2012. During that time so much has changed. During that time I have cried, rallied, cried, rallied and finally I resolved that I was past the stuff. I am but still, so much has changed since she breathed her last breadth.

I don’t talk to my mom as if she could hear me, I don’t believe she can. I hear her voice in my head, I’ve told her to be quiet. I always try to think of what she would say, sometimes she would be right, sometimes not. No, I don’t talk to her but if I did I think this is how it would go….

Hi Mom! How’s Heaven? Did you get to see Elvis? I bet he sings with the angels.

You know, you have been gone 3 years and a lot has happened. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t talk about you and how you made us what we are today.

Macie asked for “Emmy’s crackers” the other day. She found them at the store. I don’t know how she can remember that but not the days of the week. Sam says he misses you a lot. He remembers too. It warms my heart. My babies remember YOU.

So what has happened? Well remember when I joked and said I should homeschool and you replied, “don’t do that to your kids Carole.” Well I did that to my kids. I have to say, it has been the best decision and if you want to debate it with me feel free, I would welcome the discussion. They are so smart and I expect they will pass me before I know it. Don’t worry, they have friends and groups. They are very happy. It is a struggle. All of those years that I told you how much I disliked teaching……ironic isn’t it?

We moved. You would love my house. It needs decorating, it needs your touch. We do have too many bathrooms though. You know how I dislike cleaning toilets. Still, this is home and I know you would be here often if you could.

Some things haven’t worked out like you wanted. I’ve tried, but it is very hard when only one shows up to the party. That has been the hardest to deal with and I pray and pray about it. My little family is strong and close and each day we move forward, it’s what you wanted.

Sue went to Heaven in early Fall. I’m hoping she found you and told you all about us. She knew.

Remember when you told me that it was time for you to go and now it was Donna’s turn to have me? Well, she is doing a great job, you would be proud. She treats us like family and she tells us she loves us all the time. The babies love her a lot. She misses you just about as much as I do.

You told me to be a good Christian, wife and mother. I am working so hard at all three. God is in my heart and in our home. We are putting Him first. Heaven is a place we all four are looking forward to. I read the Bible and I think of you. YOU are there. YOU get to see and that is amazing. 

I could go on and on but I know you probably have other things you need to do. Please tell Aunt Kay, Aunt Evelyn and Aunt Peggy hello from us. And if you see Sue, tell her she would be so proud of her husband. His faith is like I have never seen.

I miss you Mama.

Love,

Carole

So, you can see I still have tons to say. My problem is that I am having a really hard time putting it all into words that sound proper. No things aren’t all hunky dory like I imply. In fact there are many things that aren’t. I am hurt, a little angry and oh so frustrated. I wish I could spill it but these seem to be the final pieces that are very personal and I am going to just have to find my own way.