If the Puzzle Pieces Don't Fit, Is It Okay to Jam Them Together and Move On?

Today I feel like I am spent. I really feel like I have nothing more to say, but then that isn’t true because here I am typing.

My mom took center stage last night in a dream. I didn’t like the dream. She was dying. She wanted my dad, brother and me beside her and when we gathered, she fell face first into the pillow. I must have been sleeping that way because it seems strange that I would dream it like that. In the next instance, she was up walking around, still dying, but not dead. She mumbled but never really talked. What does all of that mean? I have no idea.

I cried a lot yesterday, just missed her too much. It seems like each month that passes, I miss her more. I thought it was supposed to get better. At least that is what everyone, and I mean everyone has been telling me. So far, they are wrong. It has been four months. Four really long months. My husband says it has gone by fast. Not for me. I use to call her on my way home from work. She was either first or second on my list of people to call when I had news. My biggest fan is gone….still. I wish God would let her come back, just for one minute, to tell me how to be. It won’t happen and I know that, but still, I wish it would. 

I have a great life. I can’t complain but then most people say that and then turn around and complain about something. Really, I am blessed and I try not to take anything for granted. I am just sad. Not all the time, but in spurts. It’s the same as when she was sick; I was never sad for long stretches. I think I save my sad days up and then let them all come out at once. I don’t do it intentionally; I just have so much other stuff that I have to push the sad back and keep moving. I’m guessing it isn’t the healthiest way to deal, but it just sort of happens. I have considered grief counseling. It doesn’t appeal to me, but it could help. There is a class at my church. As luck would have it, it meets at night when we have soccer practice. By the way did I mention that I volunteered to coach my daughter’s soccer team? Clearly I love to pile things on. So grief counseling at my church is out. I’ll keep writing. I’ll either figure it out or someone will tell me I am doing it wrong.

I think there have just been too many firsts that have happened and I miss telling my mom. People say that she sees us, that she knows what is going on. I’ve said it before, I don’t think so. If the folks in Heaven were able to watch us, know what is going on, they would be heartbroken at the sight of their loved ones grieving and struggling to build this new puzzle we were all given. If that were the case, then Heaven wouldn’t really be Heaven would it? No, my mom is living peacefully, without worry, pain, suffering or heartache. My mom is in Heaven. I know that for sure. Selfishly, I wish she was here. I am wondering what that says about me. I am wishing that my mom leave Gods Kingdom and come back…here. Who would ever want to do that? I am happy for her and I look forward to our reunion, many, many, many years down the road but all I want is 60 seconds. 

I mentioned a puzzle a few lines ago. I love puzzles. As I type, my daughter is putting one together with joy and contentment. I don’t like this puzzle that I’ve been given. It doesn’t want to go together. I am starting to think that the pieces don’t fit. I never wanted it, but it is here and I have to figure it out. My Granny and I would put puzzles together and when one piece wouldn’t fit, she would jam it in and move on. There may be a lesson here. I’ll have to think about it. 

I'm tired, I think I'll put the puzzle away for now. It is just too much for this particular moment. I’ll try again tomorrow. 

Last night, as I was getting my son ready for bed, he told me that of all the moms, I am the best. I asked, “How many moms do you know?” He held up five fingers and then pointed to his thumb. “But this one is you mom.” As silly as it sounds, I am proud to be his most favorite thumb mom. In that moment, I felt loved and I felt joy. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Who Is the Guy Sitting In Regis's Chair?

Preschool, day 2. This day was my test to see if I could really take my kids to school by myself. Could I get them up, fed, dressed and lunches packed and out the door with little or no incidents? I did and I only said one bad word (out of their listening range). I apologize for that. They quietly watched a dvd while I drove for what seemed forever. We made it. No tears, no tantrums and plenty of hugs and kisses. I will admit that I sat in the parking lot after for a little while. I cried…again.

As I drove away, I suddenly realized that I didn’t know what to do. I improvised and went to the grocery store. When I opened the door to my home, the silence was painful. My house is never quiet. What do I do? I did the only thing I could. I turned the television on for sound. I do have a question though. What happened to Regis???? Seriously, I know he retired, but who is the guy sitting next to Kelly now? I turned the tv off. Too quiet . The only sounds I heard were the a/c, fridge and the hermit crabs (Hermie and Princess). They are noisy when it is quiet. Who knew?

My husband summed me up the other day. I am just a girl who doesn’t like change who has been asked to go through too many this past year. He knows me.

I also don’t like to be alone. I can appreciate being alone, but it isn’t my preferred environment. I don’t want a crowd, just a few familiar faces and voices. I have been this way my whole life. Ironically, I moved away to college and lived by myself. Still didn’t like it, but I had cable. Never had it until I went to college. It was a whole new world.

I have not been alone for four years. When the babies came, well, I just had a constant audience. I take that back, there was one day, one very bad day that I was alone. A friend decided to take my kids to play. I was alone in my house…for about two hours. That was the day my mom called to give me the news. I wonder if that is part of the reason I have been dreading this day. I have thought of her a lot, but I haven’t been sad about her. Just sad that my babies are out “in the world.” 

Several hours have passed and I am blessed again with the joyous noise of two children playing, fighting, crying and laughing. I am happy. They are home and all is right again. Day two of preschool, success. We all survived. Just a side note here, Noni, Fella and Mouse Mouse were in their backpacks. At least I know they have their security entourage with them. I love my babies.

You may have noticed that I have taken a break from the constant asking, begging and pleading for a dollar donation to PanCan. I needed that break. It wasn’t 100% because I have been thinking and planning. My break is over. If you haven’t donated, this is a great time to do it. Why? Well why not?

People are getting diagnosed every day. People are suffering every day. People are dying from pancreatic cancer every day. There are a lot of cancers. Many have good odds. Pancreatic cancer does not. If you get a diagnosis today, there is a 94% chance that you will not be here in five years. There is a big chance that you will not be here this time next year. We need a cure and the only way to do that is for you and everyone you know to click on the link below and donate a dollar. Give me one good reason why you aren’t doing that right now.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBq1E1gbPhY&feature=share

Oh To Be a Stuffed Animal Today

Have I mentioned that I live in a bubble and hate change? Have I also mentioned that I have had a difficult year? Wasn’t sure so let’s recap.

In the last year, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She chose treatment, she chose to fight. Unfortunately surviving wasn’t her destiny. In the last year, my mom passed away. Just before, my cat of 15 years died of the same thing. Two months after my mom left, a dear friend that I have known most of my life passed away, same thing. Last week one of my favorite aunts passed away. Not pancreatic cancer. We have had numerous fish and two frogs that have left as well. Fish are sort of disposable pets so I am going to say they died of natural causes. Although the frogs wouldn’t come to the surface to eat, hmmm I wonder if we caused that one. 

Today I let my babies out of the bubble. Today my babies started Pre-K. My sweet gifts from God went out into the world with their backpacks and lunch boxes. My babies aren’t my babies anymore. I hate change. I cried. I’ll cry some more on Thursday because that is when they go back….that is if they go back. Nah, they will. I’ll take them. That is the right thing to do and my mom told me not to shelter them. 

Change breaks my heart. My babies don’t see it as change. They see it as sort of freedom. They are a big boy and big girl now. They tell me that a lot. 

So in my never ending efforts to control my environment, we sent them to school in style. New clothes, my daughter had a new necklace, new backpacks, new lunch boxes, new water bottles. I even made them nap mat covers with their names and matching blankets. If my kids have to exit the bubble they are going to do it looking as good as possible. 

At the beginning of this year, I asked my mom why she was putting her body through the treatment. It was killing her and she was sick most of the time. She said “time.” “I need one more day. One more day to see your babies start school.” Well, I cried.

I wanted her here so much today. She was in my thoughts and my heart. My mom was and is an educator. She would have been proud of my babies. I knew she would probably leave before this day and it broke my heart then and it breaks my heart now. But, I sent my babies out into the world to start their journey towards whatever life has in store. I did that. I can’t take that back. I will never get this day again. 

My babies had fun. They didn’t cry, one small accident but they were strong and courageous. I wish I could be more like them. I will say this though; in their backpacks they each had a favorite baby, Noni and Copper. Oh to be a stuffed animal today.

I am so proud of my kids. They are my family and I am so blessed. They miss their Emmy but this day was about them, so I hid my sadness. It was a hard day. You see, as much as my mom and I wanted her to be here, she wasn’t. 

Today is my mom’s birthday. My babies started school on my mom’s birthday. I hurt a little more. But what a tremendous gift to have these two events happen on the same day. My mom was here. My mom saw her beautiful grandbabies start school. I can’t think of anything better. She would be proud.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBq1E1gbPhY&feature=share

Who Sent That Picture Mail on My Phone?

I need a mom hug. You know the kind. The kind that says don’t worry, don’t cry, it is all going to be just fine. I can’t have that hung anymore and I am feeling low. What else is new, right?

Actually I thought I might be creeping up on the “I’m feeling better ladder”, then Wednesday happened. It wasn’t a special day or anything, just the same old stuff kind of day. I went to a class and then went shopping. I was giving me a day to myself. I was finished shopping and I was waiting at the counter to check out. I made nice chit-chat and my phone buzzed letting me know I had a text. I thought it might be work so I decided to look. That’s when I saw it. My phone said “MOM, Multimedia Message”. I am one hundred percent sure that my heart stopped for a second. I looked around, like there was someone playing a joke. Nope, just the store clerk, my phone and me. It was in that moment that I thought, and please cut me some slack here because I know this is crazy, that my mom sent picture mail from Heaven. 

What next?

I did the only thing I could; I took a deep breath and tapped the screen. Then I waited for what seemed like a really long time. Time slowed and the noise around me hushed. Oooo sounds ominous (which by the way is my son’s favorite word and I don’t know why). Enough of the dramatics. Really, the picture came up in a flash. It was a big flower arrangement. Bingo! All the pieces were in place. My heart sank. 

Cut to two days earlier. I received heartbreaking news on Monday. One of my favorite aunts passed away. I had not seen her in a really long time, but over the years she and her family were in my heart and on my mind. She had a great laugh; the infectious kind. They moved when I was little and like with so many other things, time just took over and the years passed. Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with my cousins. That has been a blessing and just for that (and the donations from a few) I am thankful for that awful social media. I wanted to go to her gala, but I just couldn’t find a way. However, my dad decided that he would go for all of us. My dad, who at this point in his life hates to travel, who lost the love of his life, decided that he would pack his things and DRIVE several states over. I capitalized drive because I wanted him to fly. I tried to say the things I thought my mom would have. “Do you have enough clothes, do you have directions, take your cell phone and charger.” He humors me. The cell phone is significant. The discussion there revolved around the fact that he really doesn’t know how to use all of the features and how he gets help to retrieve calls. 

Let’s move back to Wednesday.

Since my dad’s knowledge of his cell phone is limited, you can see now why I thought my mom was messaging me from Heaven. There was no way, in my mind, that he took a picture and sent it to me. He has never taken a picture with a phone in his life. I decided to investigate. No one had sent that picture. Strange. I can usually solve problems, but this one, well it just made me look like an amateur. I knew what the picture was. I ordered flowers for the gala. But who took the photo and sent it? 

Uh…..my dad! 

I know! When did he learn that skill? If I had just contacted the source instead of hunting around, my mystery would have been solved. No dramatics here, my dad knew the phone would take pictures because he “saw the round dot on the outside of the phone” aka the camera lens. He asked someone to show him how to take a picture and then how to send it to me. Ta-Da! My dad has technological skills that I knew nothing about. I am proud of him.

That was the beginning of my sadness this time.

You see, even though I knew that wasn’t from my mom, there was such big a part of me that wanted it to be from her. It wasn’t. I’m just guessing that texting isn’t part of life in Heaven. Childish thoughts, but for that moment, I thought my wishing and hoping had come true. I even thought that maybe it was something she had sent long ago and it had been lost in the “air” this whole time. Crazy. I am really reaching here and I know it. I should just change the name on my phone from Mom to Dad. …..no, I’m not ready to do that yet. If I do that then I would have to start working on letting Pebbles the boulder go. Nope, not gonna do that yet. I need those things, or do I?

I need a hug from my mom. Not going to happen though. How do I move past that? I don’t know. 

This year has thrown a lot of changes my way. I don’t like change. We don’t change in my bubble. Regardless, I see more coming at me and I am fighting to keep them away. They are overwhelming and I feel like I am sinking. My mom was always good at helping me here. She just knew how to pick me up. She would tell me that most of these changes are for the better and I should embrace them. My mom and I didn’t always agree, but she was almost always right.  I’ll tell you more about the changes next week.

For now, I will save the picture that my dad sent me. His first, and probably last. My dad is healing. I’m not. I wonder how he is doing it. We don’t really talk about that too much. I wish we did, but I understand. I love him more than he will ever know.

Theresa, Tami and Mary, time has separated our family but love always survives. We all belong to that club that we never wanted to be a part of. I am sorry. Our hearts all hurt the same and I can’t tell you how to heal it. If you have been reading then you know that I hurt just as much now as I did four months ago. We have the greatest moms. They both had the best laughs. That is what I remember. We will make it, because God is present and He knows what He is doing. I think sometimes though, he just doesn’t move as fast as we want. What we have to remember, is that our moms are laughing in Heaven, together. That makes me feel a little better.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBq1E1gbPhY&feature=share

Playing in Dirt Isn't Lady Like? Who Knew?

I have loved my mom for my whole life. Probably not an uncommon statement, but I have. Quick story here. My mom and dad married young and quickly started a family. They had two sons and my mom was finished having babies. As she told it to me, my dad really wanted a girl. She said he even told her that it would be great to have a little girl to get into her makeup and clothes. She didn’t agree. Four years after their last son, she found out she was pregnant. Back then, you didn’t know what gender the baby was until it was born. Anyway, my mom was not happy. She said she didn’t want to be pregnant and didn’t want a third child. Nine months later, it was me. Whoo Hoo! My dad was over the moon, he finally had a girl. Now I was young so I don’t remember much, but I think my mom was happy too. We always joked that I was the baby she never wanted. I countered with, “doesn’t matter to me because you are stuck with me.” She agreed. 

Over the course of the years, we were the girls. I was a little rougher than most but I was still a toenail painting, doll playing girl. My mom would dress me up and most of the time I couldn’t stand it. I wanted cut-offs and a tee-shirt, just like the boys. I am sure that frustrated her because she was all girl. She knew how to dress, act and just be proper only without being stiff. Many times I would hear, “that’s not lady-like.” I never cared; I liked playing in the dirt and climbing trees.

The love between a mother and daughter is something special. Most of the time when you are growing up, that love is not appreciated. I’m not sure it is supposed to be. Kids live in the moment and moms are just the ones who take care of us and as my son says, “give the best kisses.” As teenagers, kids tend to rebel and think that their moms are outdated and don’t understand. I can recall thinking my mom just didn’t know how I felt. She did. I just didn’t realize it until later. 

My mom, dad, brother, husband and myself all sat down one day to plan her final gala. What a gift that was. We hated doing it but it was something we did as a family. She was specific. She wanted some readings done and one in particular was and is very close to my heart and I would like to share it.

When I was young you were there every day.

You were given no reward, no honor, no pay.

You were just the person who took care of me, nothing more.

You never complained, it was never a chore.

You knew what to say when I was sad.

You even knew what to do when I was bad.

You were a mom, these things you just did.

What did I know, I was only a kid.

As I look back now, I realize your goal,

You were simply molding my soul.

The things I now say and the things I now do

Are direct reflections of you.

So, I live my life in honor of you,

And I hope I make you proud…that’s all I want to do.

I’ll still make mistakes and you’ll be there to mend,

But the great part now is that you are my friend.

Copyright 2000

I wrote this for my mom on Mother’s Day 2000. 

So, if you are a daughter, or have a daughter, hug them tight. We are a special group. My daughter is one of the loves of my life. She has a special story and I am so blessed that God chose her for me. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive