Have I
mentioned that I live in a bubble and hate change? Have I also mentioned that I
have had a difficult year? Wasn’t sure so let’s recap.
In the last
year, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She chose treatment, she
chose to fight. Unfortunately surviving wasn’t her destiny. In the last year,
my mom passed away. Just before, my cat of 15 years died of the same thing. Two
months after my mom left, a dear friend that I have known most of my life
passed away, same thing. Last week one of my favorite aunts passed away. Not
pancreatic cancer. We have had numerous fish and two frogs that have left as
well. Fish are sort of disposable pets so I am going to say they died of
natural causes. Although the frogs wouldn’t come to the surface to eat, hmmm I
wonder if we caused that one.
Today I let
my babies out of the bubble. Today my babies started Pre-K. My sweet gifts from
God went out into the world with their backpacks and lunch boxes. My babies
aren’t my babies anymore. I hate change. I cried. I’ll cry some more on
Thursday because that is when they go back….that is if they go back. Nah, they
will. I’ll take them. That is the right thing to do and my mom told me not to
shelter them.
Change
breaks my heart. My babies don’t see it as change. They see it as sort of
freedom. They are a big boy and big girl now. They tell me that a lot.
So in my
never ending efforts to control my environment, we sent them to school in
style. New clothes, my daughter had a new necklace, new backpacks, new lunch
boxes, new water bottles. I even made them nap mat covers with their names and
matching blankets. If my kids have to exit the bubble they are going to do it
looking as good as possible.
At the
beginning of this year, I asked my mom why she was putting her body through the
treatment. It was killing her and she was sick most of the time. She said “time.”
“I need one more day. One more day to see your babies start school.” Well, I
cried.
I wanted her
here so much today. She was in my thoughts and my heart. My mom was and is an
educator. She would have been proud of my babies. I knew she would probably leave
before this day and it broke my heart then and it breaks my heart now. But, I
sent my babies out into the world to start their journey towards whatever life
has in store. I did that. I can’t take that back. I will never get this day
again.
My babies
had fun. They didn’t cry, one small accident but they were strong and
courageous. I wish I could be more like them. I will say this though; in their
backpacks they each had a favorite baby, Noni and Copper. Oh to be a stuffed
animal today.
I am so
proud of my kids. They are my family and I am so blessed. They miss their Emmy
but this day was about them, so I hid my sadness. It was a hard day. You see,
as much as my mom and I wanted her to be here, she wasn’t.
Today is my
mom’s birthday. My babies started school on my mom’s birthday. I hurt a little more.
But what a tremendous gift to have these two events happen on the same day. My
mom was here. My mom saw her beautiful grandbabies start school. I can’t think
of anything better. She would be proud.
(((HUGS))) It's a beautiful piece.
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