Memories.
I’m flooded
with memories. I think that is
normal, everything else points to my need for medication or a stiff drink. Nah,
I’ll keep writing.
I have been
waiting for four and a half months for that
dream. You know the one. It’s where the lost loved one appears and tells you
that everything is going to be alright. The one where the grieving person finds
peace and can move on. Well, let me tell you, I had a dream the other night
only I didn’t wake up thinking “boy, I feel better. Now I can conquer the
world.” I can’t really tell you much about it because the part where my mom
enters the room and speaks is the only part that I can remember. She was there
though. But then, she is always there.
Regardless,
in the dream, I was standing in a room and my mom came in and said, “Do you
want to go to WalMart? We need to get some paper for this easel.”
I’ll give
you a moment to ponder that…………..
What the
heck does that mean!
A little
background is required here.
I understand
that WalMart is a store that many frequent. I even go on rare occasions. It has
everything. Need groceries, clothes, toys, tires, go to WalMart. I happen to be
one of the few who avoids the store if I can. I can’t explain it but I have
been known to have mild asthma attacks by just entering the store. I have
witnesses I assure you. Strange I know, but then WalMart isn’t actually on the
approved list of stores that I allow in my bubble. The point is, I don’t care
for the store and my mom knew it.
So, why
after all these months did she appear in my dream and ask me a question that
she knows the answer to? After all of this time, I have waited to hear her
speak words of wisdom and this is what she chose? (I know, dreams are our subconscious
expelling the stuff that fills our minds over a period of time). For my own insanity, I am going to say that my
mom appeared in my dream to speak to ME.
I am
confused. I see her face more and more. It doesn’t upset me as much, but still
I wish it was her real face and not just a memory. I love the memories, but
sometimes I feel like I am running from them. A year and a half ago, I moved. I
wasn’t able to actually do the moving, so my mom stepped in. She set up my
house. Every room has her fingerprints somewhere. She made my curtains, she
organized my kitchen, and she put in the shelf paper. My mom is all over my
house and sometimes it bothers me. I don’t know if that is normal. Sometime I
just want to get away from those memories. Now that can’t be normal. I have
some of her things, a sewing kit, a quilt she made me, a scarf and some other
stuff. I don’t like having them in my reach. I can’t even explain why. I miss
her so much yet I can’t get the quilt that she made me down out of my closet. I
see it every day; I just don’t want to hold it. Why? Maybe I am afraid of how I
will feel if I do. I’m not getting it down because I just don’t want to test
that theory yet.
Is this
normal? Does everyone who has been through a death of a parent feel this way?
Why did she
ask if I wanted to go to WalMart? That is so ordinary and un-profound. Or is
it?
Could my mom
be telling me to stop trying to analyze everything and stop hanging on to
everything in the hopes that she will come back? Was she telling me to move on?
Was she telling me to stop crying over her and get busy living my ordinary life?
I know how I am going about things isn’t how she instructed me, but then I
never did everything she told me to do. I don’t think she would like that I
have plastered her picture all over Facebook and I know she wouldn’t like how I
have described her in her final days. Given the fundraising circumstances, I think
she would give me a pass.
I know, my
mom wasn’t really asking me if I wanted to go to WalMart. What she really said
was it is time to move on. I am an artist and she was my biggest fan. I am
almost positive the whole “we need to get paper for the easel” was that making
art was my outlet and I need to get back to creating. I need to get back to
enjoying life.
I know that,
but how?
Oh how I
miss my mom. My kids miss their Emmy.
I love
memories. They make me feel warm and cozy, most of the time. I have a lot of
memories with my mom. I am sure they will make their way to print at some
point. But, my mom was practical, I am a dreamer. We clashed. I think it is
time that I let her speak. It is time that I take that step forward and start
making those great memories with my family. I mostly feel good about saying
that too. I’ve made progress.
I have to
say that I am a little sad though. Pebbles just shrunk….but only a little.
By the way,
have you donated yet? Everyday people are fighting for their lives because of
pancreatic cancer. One dollar is all you need to give. My mom could move
mountains. She isn’t here to help, so I need you to help me move this one. It
will be the most important donation you could ever make.
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