I am drawing
a blank today. Ever have those days? As I sit here I am thinking I have said
everything I need to say and it could be time to retreat back into my bubble.
Maybe an
update is a good start.
We don’t
have 52 fish anymore. We think we have lost five babies and one of our adults
left about a week ago. I do have homes for at least half. Still, if you are in
need of a fish, let me know.
My neighbor,
Rerun, still mows all covered up. He told my son the other day that if he, my
son, touches the grass clippings he will get worms. I think that was a strange
thing to tell a four year old.
I tried to
go to Purple Light last night in honor of my mom and all those who have been
victimized by pancreatic cancer. My son drank a lot of water. I don’t know why.
Clearly we weren’t watching him as closely as we should. He leaned over and
told my husband that his tummy hurt. He stood up, burped and then puked all
over my poor husband. He rushed our boy to the restroom. Meanwhile, my daughter
was upset because her brother “gotted wet all over her shirt.” We left. My son
was happy because his tummy didn’t hurt anymore. A little tiny part of me was
glad we left. I felt like I did at my mom’s final gala.
I’ve started
a small hobby business with the hopes of it becoming a small business. I am
sewing custom pajama pants. I have no other way to put this but to say, if my
mom knew what I was doing, she would die. Once she told me not to sew any more.
I agreed because at that time I was sitting with a tiny piece of thread running
through the side of my finger. I sewed myself to my curtains. I have her sewing
box. It just sits in the corner though.
Her
headstone is being delivered and placed. For now, I will just let it get used
to the space. Someday I might go see. I had an offer from a fellow fundraiser,
who has turned out to be quite the online friend, to go with me to see it. That’s
a year away. Maybe by then I will be able to do it. We are all still too sad.
I am
thinking of moving. I know, I just moved a year ago. I think there are too many
memories in this house plus I’ve been promised a pool. It will be my forever
home, until the kids grow up and get settled in their own homes. Change is
overwhelming. Change for the better, change for the worse; it all causes me to
get the Pepto.
I still live
in my bubble with my family, Pebbles, my giant weight, two dogs, two hermit
crabs and 40 something fish. We have been doing a lot of baking. We do venture
out occasionally, it makes me nervous.
Clearly I
had a few things to say in a rather unorganized way. After rereading, I have
decided that I am living somewhat of a dysfunctional life. If it gives someone
a smile then I guess I will keep on living it.
I do feel
like I am hanging in there. I don’t have all sad days, just sad moments.
Sometimes just talking to my family makes me sad. They are doing okay. My dad
is turning out to be a little baker. Who knew? He visits my mom’s grave a lot.
I think it gives him comfort but I wonder if it makes him a little sadder. He
is surprising me in a good way.
Yep, looks
like I’m not finished airing my grief. I know I have a long way to go. I know
the magic grief fairy isn’t going to come and make everything go back to
normal. Normal isn’t normal anymore. I’m not sure what normal is right now. We
are sort of playing it by ear.
I am still
hoping for a million people to donate a dollar each. Pancreatic cancer is on
the rise and that is the only way I know that we can make a difference. We are
going to Purple Stride in November as Team Emmy. My kids call it the purple
parade. They think it is a big party for their Emmy. I tell them it is.
I apologize
for the choppy post here. Today was just an off day. Tomorrow will be better.
Please, take
a moment to click on the link and donate. There are two ways today. If you keep
reading my blog then I think that means that I have flipped a switch on inside
you. You read every post but you haven’t donated. Why not?
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