Grief is tiring. I’m tired of sad. I need happy. Sure there
is happiness in my life but I have been sad for one year and one month. That is
long enough. There I decided. Today is the first day of me letting go of my sadness
and grabbing on to my happiness…………Where is it? Okay, it isn’t that easy, I
know but recognizing the issues one has is the beginning of the battle. Or
something like that. I’m good at
recognizing but terrible at solving. I can solve your issues but mine, not so
much.
Let’s just look at my issues for a moment. As if you don’t
already know, I am a germ-a-phobe (not the crazy kind, I just think Wet One’s
are the answer to all things germy). I’m incredibly sleepy all the time. I feel
sad that my mom is gone and my dad is hurting. I didn’t get an instruction book
when my babies came. What’s up with that? Funny thing though, when we were in
the hospital we were watching an informative hospital channel that told us not
to use duct tape to keep our child quiet. Never occurred to me but after many
nights of crying I can see why they felt the need to say that.
Back to my issues because this is about me.
I need a vacation. I need new clothes. I need a change in
how I feel about myself. I live in a bubble with my family and that is where I
am most comfortable but still, I am lost. My husband says my blogs are sad, so
let me clear one thing up. This is not a sad blog today, this is one where the
light bulb is going to go off and everyone is going to say, “hey silly girl,
you finally got it. You are going to be great.”
Nothing.
Okay, not so black and white here. I guess I will need to
dig a little deeper.
I am really good at putting others before myself. I don’t
mean to, but it always happens. If I go shopping for me, I come home with
something for everyone else. I am always the last to sit down at the table to
eat. I’ll feed all of those fish before I feed me. When did I turn into this
lost person?
Growing up I was always Eva’s daughter. I never cared my mom
was a superhero. Then I was someone’s girlfriend. That didn’t work out. I met
my husband and then I became his wife. Many, many years later I became a mom.
That is where I am today. I have never given myself a chance to find out who I
am or what I love to do.
So, who am I? I am a daughter, wife, mother, in that order I
guess. Maybe that isn’t the right way to start. Who am I? I will state the
obvious here, I am a girl. I am a sleepy, silly girl. That question is too
hard, I’ll have to think some more on it. Next question, what do I love to do?
You don’t know this because you aren’t watching me type, but I have been
sitting here for a while after I typed that question. What do I love to do?
Again, just sitting. There is my problem. I don’t know what I love to do.
For three years my life was turned upside down. That is what
happens when you wait until you have been married 17 years before you have
kids. That adjustment was hard. This past year I focused on trying to be a mom
and trying to deal with my mom’s disease and the end of her life with me. I
haven’t been on my list. My focus is always on something else. I don’t think I
have ever done anything that I could say, “boy I sure love to do this.” Does
that make me sad or do I just have my priorities mixed up?
I need to make a new list. I need to find myself and I am
not sure how one goes about doing that. If I was a fella, I would go buy an
expensive sports car. Cars don’t impress me. I don’t like to get my nails done,
massages or anything froo-frooey like that. (That is another word I am
reintroducing into mainstream vocabulary).
“You create your own happiness.” I read that somewhere. Is
that true? Have I been causing my own unhappiness? Let’s see. My mom calls,
tells me she has pancreatic cancer and there is nothing that can be done to
keep her from dying. Chemo made her very sick, she couldn’t eat, she lost an
amazing amount of weight and ultimately, pancreatic cancer beat the life out of
her. I may not be Mensa but I do know that I didn’t cause all of that. So my
answer goes back to my first sentence. “Grief is tiring.” I will say this, I
have allowed grief to take my happiness. Gotta get rid of this grief. I have to
let go before I move forward. The past is the past and can’t be changed. I will
never get my mom back, at least here.
Grief has caused me to sit in neutral for one year and one
month. Enough is enough.
Grief, you can’t have me anymore. I will agree to drag my
boulder around, but not you. My boulder represents my mom and I won’t let go of
her. But I don’t intend to let you ride on my coat tails any longer. I am sure
you will try to come back from time to time, but be prepared, I am back on my to do list, I think.
My homework, make a plan, figure out who I am and what I
love to do. From this moment on I will work on me. I am going to find Happy
Carole. The only problem, she is good at hiding.
Goodbye grief. I have no more use for you. It isn’t that easy is it?
Today I feel like asking for donations. Pancreatic cancer
has caused so much grief for so many people. I will never be the only one. When
it strikes, it kills. This is a war that so many of us are in. We don’t have
any weapons except our words and our money. Unfortunately we can’t fund all of
the research that is needed. We need your money. Just a dollar, more if you
want. But a dollar will go a long way. Join the war, donate. If you don’t like
a good fight, that’s ok. I haven’t back away yet and I don’t intend to. I will
do the fighting for you. If you like a good fight, donate then get your friends
to donate. Keep it going. Million Dollars for Mom needs attention. One person,
one business is all it will take for the rest of the country to latch on. You
could be that person.
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