Where Did She Put the Halloween Decorations?! Does Anybody Know?

Since my mom left, I have only been to her house twice. Today makes three times. I have to say that the drive was hard, so many memories flooded back. My thoughts went right back to the same ones I had during those long and lonely drives. It was only an hour and a half but when your mom is suffering, when your mom is dying, it is a long drive. I will admit, I didn’t want to go today. My kids did. They wanted to see their Papa. They even made cards. 

I wondered what I was going to find in that house. Not my mom. Was it going to be up to her standards? It is just my dad’s house now so none of that should matter. But it did, it does. We pulled up and there was no turning back. My dad met us at the door. He was happy to see us. We were happy to see him. He doesn’t live alone, in fact he has a three year old that he babysits; his great-granddaughter. We walked in and it seemed the same yet it seemed so different. My mom didn’t meet us. She would always come out before we opened our car doors. I could always tell that she was thrilled that we came and all was right in the world. 

Everything in the house is mostly the same. Not much has been moved. She wasn’t there. My mom was a decorator. Not professionally, but she could decorate and her house was always “done.” Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and most of all Christmas. It wasn’t decorated today. So, I started hunting all around her house for her Halloween decorations. I could only find a few. My dad complained that he was going to have to put everything away when the holiday was over. I think he liked having a female puttering around the house. The problem today was that my mom didn’t tell anyone where she put the Halloween decorations before she left. She thought she had up to three years. Clearly she didn’t. Three of us looked in every closet, drawer, cabinet and chest. We couldn’t find much. I even asked my brother why he didn’t ask her where it all was before she left. I can’t blame anyone, I should have asked. It just seemed important today to try to bring a little bit of her love back into that house. I failed. I feel like I am doing that a lot here lately. Sure there are a few things out, but not placed with my mom’s special touch. On the brighter side, we did find the Thanksgiving decorations and Christmas was in every storage place I looked. 

My mom’s things are all around but her touch is gone. Why? I feel I deserve an answer, but really, I don’t. Her clothes, her jewelry, her books and even her writing are all over that house. But she isn’t. She won’t be again. 

What a sad tale I keep telling here. I wonder when this broken record will stop. I’m tired of hearing it but it just keeps playing. 

There are two roads that we can take to get to the house. One takes us by the cemetery. We didn’t take that one. I don’t want to ever take that road. It is a road full of pain, suffering and complete and utter heartache. That road is closed. People keep telling me that I will go when the time is right and it will make me feel close to her. Maybe. My mom isn’t down that road, why would I ever go? I feel my mom every second of every day. She is in my heart and her voice keeps popping into my thoughts. I feel close to her all the time. She raised me, she is inside me. She is the best mom ever. I wish I was. I will keep trying because she gave me the blueprint and I have to follow. I hope my daughter will feel the same towards me that I do towards my mom. I won’t know until much later, but I’ll let you know when I find out. There is just something special between a mother and daughter. I can’t describe it.

This was not my best day but it wasn’t bad. It felt sort of emotionless, kind of bland. I wonder if that house will ever feel good to me again. We won’t have holidays there anymore and I imagine that each time I visit, something else will be a little different. It is my dad’s house now. It is a different house. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t God just spare her for a little longer? Why didn’t my mom leave instructions for us? And where did she put the Halloween decorations? I don’t have any answers, nobody does. 

I miss talking to her every day. I miss her.

Today I am tired of asking for donations. I am tired of asking and getting a no, maybe later or just silence. So, I won’t ask. 

I’m tired.

I’m going to eat some Rocky Road ice cream.