This isn’t the entry that I originally wrote. I started
writing yesterday and then today, I realized that it was just too much. I have
had a rough week and that entry was going to reflect it in a way that just made
me uncomfortable.
So I am writing a new one.
I have had a rough week. No particular reason I guess. Most
likely the same old reasons. I have needed my mom. I think I will always need
my mom. I have had weeks like this before and she would swoop in and pick me
up. She didn’t swoop in this time, so there would be no pick-me-up.
Maybe it is the weather or the time of year but it seems
that a lot of people are grumpy or just blah. Maybe I am feeding off of them.
My moods seem to reflect that. These days, I seem to depend on others to help.
I am not used to that.
It seems when I am down that nothing can go right. Is that
the same for everyone or is it just me? Some days I drop everything. Some days
I bump into everything. Some days I think I should stay in bed. Someone the other
day said that I must be depressed. No, I am just having a very eventful year
not of my choosing. I’m not depressed, maybe at that particular moment, but
overall, no.
I said a while ago
that I was grieving in reverse. Still think that. I had a moment where I
actually asked God why he took my mom away. What on earth was I thinking? What
gives me the right to question God? It isn’t any of my business but my point
is, now I seem angry. Wasn’t that supposed to happen months ago?
Well I moved through,
but not before I realized that the hole in my heart is bigger than I thought.
The void is still there and I need to patch it. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t
thought for one second that it was gone. I just didn’t realize the size of it.
Some days I am still overwhelmed. I could give you details
and part of me wants to, but I will not air dirty laundry that way. Let me just
say, it hasn’t turned out quite like I thought it would and I am tired of
carrying the load. I would love to speak directly to specific people, but in
the end all that would accomplish is really nothing. So I will try to patch my
void myself. I think I am the only one who can do that.
At this point I have lost my forward motion. I am not really
asking anyone for donations, although I do have one particular thing that may
pan out to be quite helpful. I feel like my fundraising has hit an all-time
low. I just don’t have the energy. I wonder if my batteries are rechargeable.
Must be the changing of the weather/season.
I need to take a step back and reevaluate. I need to decide
what is necessary and what is just noise.
Good grief! This entry is just as bad as the one I am not
publishing. What is wrong with me?
Enough. This isn’t working.
Someone said the other day that I had to choose to be happy.
Okay, let’s see if I can write about something happy………………………………………………………………………
Halloween is next week. My kids are super excited. My
daughter is going to school as a princess Minnie Mouse and my son is a Meteorologist
(his words). For Halloween day, a fairy and a tornado (I am guessing an EF5). I
will be a big orange carrot and my husband will be a yellow angry bird. Anyone
who knows us knows that he will be uncomfortable. He does it for our kids and I
am proud of him. Me being a carrot, not that surprising. If I am going to draw
attention to myself, it might as well be humorous. That will be a fun night and
I am looking forward to it. I haven’t bought the candy or made a tornado
costume, but it will all work out.
Rerun still walks his dog in his underwear. Same pair. Could
it be his special dog walking underwear? Doesn’t matter it is still creepy. The
dog’s name is Wishes. I am guessing that is because she “wishes” he would put
on some clothes. BaDumBump! Wow I don’t know which is worse, my blah or my
attempt at humor.
I am an odd duck.
The same person who told me to choose to be happy also
reminded me that I love I Love Lucy. She said she chooses not to watch the bad
stuff on TV and chooses to watch something that will make her happy. I’ve been watching
I Love Lucy this week. I’m glad she reached out to me. I think my week would
have been worse had she not.
I am not alone here and I do realize that. I don’t have to
try to deal by myself. That is hard because that is what I thought I should do.
I don’t like to ask for help, but I am getting better at it. My progress is
slow and there are a lot of bumps and potholes that I am finding. I have to
keep going, my family needs me to. So every day I am going to try to choose to
be happy and when I am really down, I am going to choose to reach out to those
who can help. It would just be so much easier if my mom was here. But then isn’t
that the answer to all of my questions?
Today I watched Funny Farm. I laughed and it felt nice. My
mom liked to laugh. Think I'll try it..again.
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