Help Me Name My Boulder

I think I am going through the stages of grief in reverse. In the beginning, there was tremendous shock and unbearable sadness, but I quickly accepted what was happening and what was going to happen. I was never angry, only frustrated at the researchers. Right now, at times, I find myself in complete disbelief that my mom is not here. I can be going along just fine and KABOOM, it hits me. My mom, who has been with me my whole life, is not physically with me. Wow, what a jaw dropper that is. It gets me every time, stops me in my tracks and then the tears come. I work hard to push them away. My kids don’t need to see me sad anymore. Then something happens and I move on only to have my knees buckle at a later date. I wonder if that’s normal. 

If I close my eyes, I can feel my mom’s cheek, I can feel her hair, I can hear her voice. I know it may sound crazy but my mom smelled like my mom. I miss that smell. I miss my mom. Is that normal?

I feel like my family died. I feel like I am alone. It isn’t true; I have a wonderful and very handsome husband and two beautiful gifts from God so I am never alone. I do still have my dad and brother and other relatives but it doesn’t feel the same. My mom was our family and in so many ways, she still is our family. No one calls to check on me. No one seems to want to talk about the things my mom and I talked about. My family died. Now I know that can’t be normal. I need therapy. Nah, I’ll just keep writing. Eventually I’ll get to the solution.

I try to keep super private stuff to myself here, but I thought that I would share something my mom told me. One day, toward the end, I asked her, “Mom, what do you want me to do with myself?” My mom was propped up in bed; her liver was failing so she was an amazing color of yellow. She looked at me and said, “I want you to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian and a good person.” I said I was glad she didn’t give me something incredibly hard to do. I was wrong. She has given me a task that I feel like I am struggling with. My kids tell me I am the best mama in the whole world (they are four and they have nothing to compare me to), my husband says I am doing fine, I’m not terribly happy with myself (wallowing is not my style) but I am trying to be a good Christian. No, my mom gave me a very difficult task. But as I type, I remember that she said something else to me, she told me “You try too hard.” Is that what I am doing? Probably, but I feel like I have to always try to be better than me and I don’t know how to reprogram that.

Really I don’t feel like I am as pathetic as I sound. I think this is part of my process. I am happy in my life, just not happy with myself. We do fun stuff as a family and I am trying out a new hobby. I like it so far. I laugh a little more and cry a little less. It just seems that when I am still and the noise around me is quiet, I think. That is where it all begins. I wonder, is that normal and when will it really get better? 

For now, I want to apologize to my husband and kids for not doing my best and for not being myself. I want to apologize to my mom, I am trying but it is soooooo hard. I want to apologize to God. He knows. This is not the direction I intended for my life to go but then I am not the one in control of my life. 

On a side note, I am seriously going to name my boulder. I am usually good at naming things but this one is giving me trouble. I am open to suggestions. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive