The last month of my mom’s life here was a blessing for me.
I think it was for her too. It was during this time that she came to realize
what I had felt for seven months, she was leaving and we were staying. There
was nothing more that could be medically done. We both believe in miracles, I
have two that call me mama and one that calls me his wife. But in my mom’s
case, I just never felt it was going to happen. I prayed for one and every time
I always heard “no.” I never told my mom that. I visited as often as I could. Her
physical appearance changed but she was still my mom and it was obvious when
she spoke. She and I talked a lot about where she was going and how she felt.
Heaven was the topic. I read some books and then I would tell her all about
what it was believed she would see and experience. I felt honored and amazingly
blessed to be able to sit with her and imagine what life would be like in
Heaven.
One particular afternoon I was feeling selfish. I didn’t
want her to go. I never told her that because when the time came I wanted her
to feel peace and let go. Anyway, I told her that the only way to know if the
folks in Heaven could have contact with the folks here was to give it a test.
We agreed that if God would allow it that at some point she would pat me on the
shoulder. We were more specific, but the details are my special memory. I
really didn’t and still don’t think it works like that but if you don’t ask,
well you know the rest.
So, for almost two months I have been waiting for my mom to
pat me on the shoulder. I have felt such heartbreak because it has not
happened. I knew it wouldn’t, but I was hopeful. I have openly complained that
I don’t even dream about her. I dream about everything! Why am I not dreaming
about my mom? Has it happened already? Have I lost touch in such a short time?
This has been a huge part of my boulder.
The other morning I woke up. For some reason I was talking
about my dream. It wasn’t anything just my subconscious getting rid of useless stuff…..or
so I thought. I didn’t realize it but while I was describing it, I said “and my
mom was in the car sitting next to me.” It was the strangest thing. Like the
fastest rewind ever. My mom has been in all of my dreams this whole time. She
never says or does anything; she is just there, sitting next to me. My mom has been with me this whole time!
My mom’s spirit is with me every second
of the day. She doesn’t need to pat me on the shoulder to tell me everything is
ok, she is here all the time and everything is ok.
It is still heavy and I am still dragging it around, but I
think I just took a chunk off of my boulder.
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