I Was Just a Spoiled Child

Most of my adult life, I have only asked for help from two people. I don’t like to ask for help. I know for many things I need it, but asking for it just makes me feel like I am weak or lazy or that I am just not cut out for whatever it is I am needing help with. My husband is pretty good at knowing when I need help. My mom was too. She was the greatest helper a daughter could want. I must admit that I didn’t always want her help, but she always knew just what to do.

I have written over and over about how my mom and I got along and how she was the best mom ever. FYI, I have become very aware of the tense that I am using now…….all past. It just cuts through my heart each time. Back to my story…. My mom and I got along for the most part perfectly. At least that is how I remember it. If you can get her to come back and tell her version, I will sit front row. We did have those times where we just didn’t see eye-to-eye.

Almost 5 years ago my kids came into this world. We waited a long time for their arrival and during that time we watched as the other grandkids grew up. We saw the outpouring of love and attention that they received and we knew that when ours made their appearance all eyes would be on them.

Those that are close and know the story, you know how blessed we are to have two babies. We knew they would be a shock to our lifestyle but we also felt that they would be showered with more attention than we could handle. We kind of looked at it like it was our turn to shine. I hope that doesn’t sound as selfish as it appears, but in the years before the focus was on others. Now that they were grown or almost grown, we just knew my mom and dad would get to be the grandparents they were meant to be. Spoiling, holding and loving our babies. That’s what we thought the joys of grandparenting was all about.

My mom came home with us when my babies arrived. She stayed during the week and went home on the weekend. My daughter was an easy-ish sort of baby but my son just couldn’t get comfortable. Each morning my mom would take both babies and let me sleep a few more hours. She helped me get them on a staggered schedule, she showed and taught me so much about how to take care of them. I will never ever forget those eleven weeks.

Then one day, she said it was time to go. I can’t tell you how hurt and angry I was at her. How could she leave me with two babies? They needed a person each. How could she just leave? I felt that she abandoned me. I did ask once why she didn’t stay longer and she said, “you were ready. I knew you would be ok.” Looking back, she was right.

What a Mom! She just knew. 

She left, I cried, she called the minute she got home. I wanted her to come back. I really felt that I couldn’t do it without her. I never had that much responsibility and to know that the lives of two precious babies were in my hands was just overwhelming. Still, she left. I hate it when people leave. Something inside always breaks.
 

Time takes care of most things and with it came a routine that I settled into. Mom would come occasionally, but circumstances kept her attention elsewhere. Again, I was angry at her. Oh I had telephone access to her at all times of the day, but for some reason I longed for her physical self. She couldn’t and my frustration festered. Like a spoiled child, I wanted the attention. I am ashamed, but that was how I felt and I think it is important that I don’t make excuses.

  

When I look back, I see things clearer than I did at the time. Funny how that works out. Maybe my mom wasn’t there for each step that my babies took. Maybe she wasn’t able to spend as much time with my kids as I wanted. The point is, when she was with us, it was all about our babies. I was able to watch her be Emmy, not Mom. This was something that she wasn’t able to do in the previous years. She wore her Mom hat well and for many years. She was a Mom to many. To my kids, just Emmy. It was a hat that she enjoyed and my kids loved every second with her

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We took her on her last vacation. Just her. We didn’t know she was sick, she didn’t know she was sick. She played with my kids, she held their hands and she found seashells with them. My mom spent that week with my babies. It was priceless and I will never forget that time. As bad as she was probably feeling, my mom spent a week making memories with my little family.

So, what have I learned? My mom knew that I was okay. She knew that she didn’t have to worry about me. She offered advice, love and tons of encouragement. She didn’t have to be sitting right next to me to be part of my family. I think what she was doing was sitting back and enjoying the show. She raised me, she taught me, she was watching her love shine through me. I think at some point, she set me free. She was there when I really needed her. I miss her.

What a great mom I have. She made it look easy. 

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