I said that
I was going to give living a try. My husband said he thought it was a good
idea. My next question was, “what do I do?” You know that was one of the
questions I asked my mom over and over again. She always answered, “You keep
living.” Some days it is so hard but I keep trying.
So, now that
I am going to try to live, what do I do first? For a long time now I haven’t
been on my “to do” list. I am finding that I am at the bottom of that list now.
It isn’t the best place to be but at least I am back just a little. I need to
take better care of myself first and foremost. I wouldn’t call myself
unhealthy, but I have stopped exercising and I like ice cream. A few years ago
I started to run. I loathe running.
The best part is stopping. Regardless, I started running. Now, I am a mild asthmatic
so to say I was uncomfortable would be generous. I was pathetic. But, over
time, I was able to run to the corner of my street. Before long, I ran around
the block without stopping. In a few months, I was running long distances. I
won’t say how long because my long distance isn’t exactly that. I ran three
nights a week and in the hopes of clearing my mind and feeling better
physically. It did that and more. You see, when I run, I pray. In the beginning
it was “please God get me to the corner.” Maybe it wasn’t the right prayer, but
it got me to the corner. Over time, my prayers were more like conversations. I
talked to God, He listened and He helped. I eventually ran a 5K. The day after
Christmas, I broke my heel….running. And in the words of the eloquent Forest
Gump, “just like that, my runnin’ days was over.”
A few days
ago, I started to run…again. Let’s just say that it is harder than it was
before. I kind of thought my heel would crack on the spot. It didn’t, darn it,
now I am a runner again. It is good for me so I will keep at it. Still, the
best part of running is stopping but even that is starting to not be
comfortable.
I have also
started a hobby, quilting. The problem here is that I can’t sew very well. In
fact, I can only sew on a machine. I will keep at that one. It is hard because
my mom could sew and every time the needle goes up and down, it reminds me of
my mom. I sew and I cry.
Both things
seem very challenging. It is hard to run with Pebbles but then she isn’t
holding back the sewing machine. I realized today that I didn’t pray when I ran
last. Ding! Ding! That is why it is harder. As for sewing, I’ll let you know.
I believe in
prayer. I believe it helps me. Do I think it changes outcomes? I’m not sure. I
believe that pancreatic cancer was going to take my mom’s life no matter how
hard I prayed. Oh I prayed for God to spare her many times. That was a selfish
prayer. What I prayed for most was that my mom wouldn’t hurt and that God would
give her peace and help her to get through. That may be my answer right there.
It seems that I might believe our lives are sort of mapped out for us, in a
way. Maybe prayer isn’t to change things, maybe we pray so that we stay
connected to God and we feel His strength so that we can get through whatever
comes down our path. That is worth thinking about a little more. In the
meantime, I’ll keep praying.
I do believe
we draw strength from prayer. My mom certainly did. So many people prayed for
her. It touched her more than anyone will ever know. It touches me too. Still,
people tell me they are praying for my family and me. Little do they know, I
pray for them too.
Today I am
living. Tomorrow, with God’s help, I will live some more. I will also keep
running and praying. For everyone who is suffering, troubled or just plain sad,
I will pray for you.
The last
link is something new. I hope you will watch and it will make you want to
donate.
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