Do Bed Bugs Build Teensy Tiny Houses?

I have not slept well for a very long time. I fall asleep within a few minutes, but at some point during the night I wake up and my mind kicks in to overdrive. When it is finally time to get up, I am exhausted. I don’t know how I get through, but I do. There is always the hope that it will get better. Normal will be different, but people keep telling me that it will get better. How much longer?

Recently when I wake up, my mind goes to this blog and fundraising. I seem to be re-evaluating my reasons for starting a blog. I know why I am fundraising. But my question is the same, why am I writing and what do I hope to gain? That is tough to answer. Initially, I thought I would use it to deliver facts and my message about pancreatic cancer. I started a Facebook page, in spite of my inner voice saying, “don’t do it.” I thought that I could generate traffic through Facebook towards the blog and eventually close the Facebook page. (In case you need catching up here, I don’t enjoy Facebooking. I find much of the content not to my liking. I am not a prude; I just don’t want to know about everyone’s dinner, errands and general where abouts). Some people enjoy it, I just don’t.  I respect the right to share and I realize that I am trying to use this social media in a very different way from the general population. My frustrations are my own and I am dealing. Facebook has been successful in generating traffic, interest and some selfless, generous donations. So, it is in a small way working. I have also been blessed with the reconnection/connection of people from my past and even a few new folks that care about my cause.  

I strayed too far.

Back to the initial thought. 

So, why do I keep writing?  I know for sure, I like to talk therefore I must like to write. I don’t claim to be eloquent, but I do write from the heart. I think the real reason I keep going is so I don’t crack up. Sometimes when I feel like I am ready break, I start writing only to discover the real reasons for my feelings. In many ways, writing has been a very awakening experience for me. I am discovering things about myself that surprise me. But, I have yet to find the answers I am looking for. How do I move on after losing my mom? How do I stop feeling the need to call her whenever I have news or just want to talk? If the answer is out there, it seems to be running from me. As I type, the tears are starting again. Today is a struggle. Oh how I want the tears to stop. I take one step forward and then go running back. Why? Maybe I enjoy dragging my boulder. Maybe if I let it go then I am afraid I will let go of my mom. Hmm.

At the end of the day, I want people to read and to donate. I hope I am successful in that. Only time will tell. The pain I feel is because pancreatic cancer robbed me, and my family of the one person who knew it all. I cry for me and I cry for my babies. They don’t get the chance to know what a wonderful Emmy my mom was. They don’t get to miss her like I do. But then maybe that is a blessing because, I don’t ever want them to hurt like I do. For now, they say they remember her.

My mom left this life on May7th at 4:30am. I wasn’t there. I promised I would hold her hand as long as I could. I didn’t. It isn’t regret, but I would love to hold her hand one more time. 

Why do I write? First and foremost, I need you to make a donation and I need you to help me spread the word. Mostly, I write because I don’t know what else to do.

Please donate; it is the right thing to do.

No, I don’t sleep well but one night I will. For now, I think I will ponder my son’s wisdom.

The other night I was putting my son to bed. I said my usual “night night, don’t let the bed bugs bite.” To which he replied, “Mom, did you know bed bugs build teensy tiny houses?”

Maybe there is just too much construction going on.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive