My mom has
been gone for three months today. Three months of no phone calls, no lectures,
no unconditional love that only a mom can give and no “Hi Carole, how was your
day.” It isn’t getting easier…yet. Someone told me that it will take at least a
full year and even then I will have moments for the rest of my life where I
feel the void. I guess I will find out on that at some point.
I am still
being flooded with memories of her last week. I don’t like those memories. I
have found myself wanting to pick up the phone and call her. I can’t. When my
dad calls, it still shows up as Mom. I wonder if I will ever change that.
Probably not.
My boulder
(her name is Pebbles) is weighing me down even more. I wasn’t sure why until my
husband informed me that I have not given myself a chance to heal. I’m not sure
what that even means. My mom fought for seven months. Shortly after, my friend
fought for a few weeks. All the while I have been trying to raise a million
dollars and blogging about it. I guess he is right. I am not healing. I keep
doing things to keep the wound open and at this point it has to stay that way
because I am on a mission. Many times it feels like I am alone on this journey.
Funny thing about death, people are tremendously helpful towards the end and a
few weeks after. But then their lives pick up and they have to move on. It isn’t
a shot at those folks, it is just reality. Those of us who grieve are left to
figure how to live again. How do people figure out how to live again? That is a
genuine question and if anyone has an answer, please tell me. I am doing the
best I can, but the flood of emotions well up inside until they spill over. I
am tired. I don’t want to spill over any more, but again, I haven’t figured out
how to stop it.
Changes in
my life are being made and I don’t like them. We don’t change in my bubble. Regardless
change is happening. I can’t stop it. Well I can, but it wouldn’t be fair to
the people around me. My kids started swim lessons; my daughter does ballet and
soon soccer. My son is going to try T-Ball. They are growing up, they are
living. School starts soon too. It is my insecurities that keep the papers from
being signed. I will, but I want to hang on to them a little longer. No, I don’t
like change but I am finding myself thinking about it more and more. Maybe I
need a change. How can that be? Nah, it’s too cozy in my bubble. It is worth
exploring, but from a distance.
So, I am sad
and it seems that I should accept that for now and stop trying to find a quick
fix. My mom is gone and that is just the way it is. I will miss her forever,
but maybe I won’t cry forever.
Yesterday my
daughter told me she wanted to be a lollipop for Halloween and my son said he
wanted to be a whole pumpkin pie. I think there is some wisdom there that may be
overlooked. My kids are living; they are looking down the road and seeing
possibilities. I think that is a good idea. I’ll give it a try.
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive
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