I May Be Wonkey But I Am Progressing.

Grief. Not a word that I ever tried to wrap my brain around. In my life, I have had a few deaths that I have had to deal with. My dog, Baby died when I was little. I cried a lot. Elvis died when I was eight. I cried a lot. I lost two grandparents and a father-in-law, again, I cried a lot. Did I grieve? I don’t know. These weren’t people that I had a direct heart-to-heart connection with. 

What is the right way to grieve?

I thought of that question the other day. I wondered if I was doing it according to what the experts said. So….I looked it up.

I am a long-winded googler. According to my husband, I put too many words in the search window. Maybe that is what I did because one of the first sites to come up was about the symptoms of grief.

Grief and grieving - symptoms .

I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I thought that sentence was just too funny to pass up.

How do you know for sure if you are grieving?

• ·         Crying and sighing
• ·         Headaches
• ·         Feelings of sadness
• ·         Difficulty sleeping
• ·         Aches and pains
• ·         Frustration and anger

There are more.

It seems to me that symptoms would lead one to think that they may have “caught” something. I know you can have symptoms of other things, but if you are grieving, wouldn’t you know it? I know it. I don’t need to look at symptoms to confirm. So you could be grieving, or you could have the flu.

That gave me a chuckle and then I looked on. Please keep in mind that in my bubble, bad things don’t happen. I also know very little about how other cultures grieve.

It seems that if you are Jewish that everything is pretty spelled out. You have certain things you do and grieving is sort of scheduled. Now I am not so naive here. I know you can’t just turn off your sadness. But it seems that maybe because there are sort of guidelines in the Jewish faith that it could be possible to move through the process at a certain speed. Maybe that helps. Again, I know very little about other cultures and how they grieve. I only know how I am doing it.

There are lots of other cultures and lots of different ways to grieve. Or maybe there are lots of ways to pay respect, to honor the deceased, (I don’t like that word). Maybe we all grieve the same, some just a little more extreme than others.  I think that is ok.

Am I doing it right? Who knows. I’ve never done it before so I don’t have anything to compare it with. 

I have been rereading my posts. Not because I think I can write, but because I want to know how I am progressing. All I can say is that I am progressing. 

Today isn’t my best day. You know how I am terrified of my kids throwing up? Well one of them did, twice in the car and once at home. That was about 4ish hours ago. She has since been able to keep crackers and some non-sugar juice down. She seems fine. I’m not. My stress level has sky rocketed again and all I can think of is how much I need my mom.

Before I said that I have decided to be happy and I told grief to take a hike. I meant it and for the most part I’ve been doing better. It just seems like when the going gets tough, I need my mom. But here I am, I am the mom. I am supposed to do the things she would do. She would always tell me that when I threw up she would start cleaning, run to the bathroom, throw up and then go clean some more. Now that is a mom. My husband, he cleans up while I run to the bathroom. Then I lose weight because my appetite is shot. God bless my husband. I would be lost without him. He is my knight in shining armor. But still, he isn’t my mom and he knows it. 

I am still grieving and I know it. I am under so much pressure and when one more thing gets wonkey in my life, I feel like I am done for. (Wonkey is another word that I use often). Side story here. The doctor once asked my mom how she was doing on her pain medicine. She said that it made her tired but otherwise it was ok. He then looked at me and I told him that it made her wonkey. He looked at me like I was from another planet. My mom knew what I meant. 

I am wonkey right now, I am still grieving and my stomach hurts because my daughter barfed. What a life. 

When will I make it through my grieving process? 

It is official, I need my Mom2.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive