Help Me Name My Boulder

I think I am going through the stages of grief in reverse. In the beginning, there was tremendous shock and unbearable sadness, but I quickly accepted what was happening and what was going to happen. I was never angry, only frustrated at the researchers. Right now, at times, I find myself in complete disbelief that my mom is not here. I can be going along just fine and KABOOM, it hits me. My mom, who has been with me my whole life, is not physically with me. Wow, what a jaw dropper that is. It gets me every time, stops me in my tracks and then the tears come. I work hard to push them away. My kids don’t need to see me sad anymore. Then something happens and I move on only to have my knees buckle at a later date. I wonder if that’s normal. 

If I close my eyes, I can feel my mom’s cheek, I can feel her hair, I can hear her voice. I know it may sound crazy but my mom smelled like my mom. I miss that smell. I miss my mom. Is that normal?

I feel like my family died. I feel like I am alone. It isn’t true; I have a wonderful and very handsome husband and two beautiful gifts from God so I am never alone. I do still have my dad and brother and other relatives but it doesn’t feel the same. My mom was our family and in so many ways, she still is our family. No one calls to check on me. No one seems to want to talk about the things my mom and I talked about. My family died. Now I know that can’t be normal. I need therapy. Nah, I’ll just keep writing. Eventually I’ll get to the solution.

I try to keep super private stuff to myself here, but I thought that I would share something my mom told me. One day, toward the end, I asked her, “Mom, what do you want me to do with myself?” My mom was propped up in bed; her liver was failing so she was an amazing color of yellow. She looked at me and said, “I want you to be a good wife, a good mother, a good Christian and a good person.” I said I was glad she didn’t give me something incredibly hard to do. I was wrong. She has given me a task that I feel like I am struggling with. My kids tell me I am the best mama in the whole world (they are four and they have nothing to compare me to), my husband says I am doing fine, I’m not terribly happy with myself (wallowing is not my style) but I am trying to be a good Christian. No, my mom gave me a very difficult task. But as I type, I remember that she said something else to me, she told me “You try too hard.” Is that what I am doing? Probably, but I feel like I have to always try to be better than me and I don’t know how to reprogram that.

Really I don’t feel like I am as pathetic as I sound. I think this is part of my process. I am happy in my life, just not happy with myself. We do fun stuff as a family and I am trying out a new hobby. I like it so far. I laugh a little more and cry a little less. It just seems that when I am still and the noise around me is quiet, I think. That is where it all begins. I wonder, is that normal and when will it really get better? 

For now, I want to apologize to my husband and kids for not doing my best and for not being myself. I want to apologize to my mom, I am trying but it is soooooo hard. I want to apologize to God. He knows. This is not the direction I intended for my life to go but then I am not the one in control of my life. 

On a side note, I am seriously going to name my boulder. I am usually good at naming things but this one is giving me trouble. I am open to suggestions. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I Am Wondering If I Should Seal Up My Bubble

I have a confession to make, I have been thinking of closing up my bubble and going back to my quiet, simple life. The total donations today is at just under $1700 and to be honest, I feel like I am failing my mom. It is my lack of patience that is causing a lot of it, but mostly it is my inability to convince the majority of the people I have contacted to donate a dollar. I am failing to appeal to most. I realize that pancreatic cancer isn’t something many people know a lot about and it isn’t high on the list of cancers that are widely publicized. I thought that maybe I could change that or at least I could inform some people. I think I have, but again, most are not donating. 

I am failing my mom.

Really not just my mom, I am failing my friend and so many others that have tried and are trying to fight this disease. 

Do you know anyone who has been touched by this disease? I bet you do, or at least you have heard of someone who has died from it. Let’s just see…

Sally Ride just lost her 17 month battle. She was a pioneer in the space program.

Patrick Swayze, I know you have heard of him, but my kids love his character in The Fox and the Hound II.  Steve Jobs, Apple CEO, Randy Pausch (his book is really great), Dizzy Gillespie, famous jazz virtuoso, Bill Hicks, comedian, Joan Crawford, actress, Michael Landon, actor, Fred Gwynne, actor and author of children’s books, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian opera singer, Jack Benny, comedian, Donna Reed, actress, Henry Mancini, composer, conductor and arranger, and Count Basie, jazz pianist…..just to name a few. I Googled these, I am sure if you look harder you will find more.

Three more, my mom, friend Jim and Kate’s husband. I don’t really know her, but I met her in Target the other day. For some reason we started talking and found out we have a lot in common.

Today someone is going to find out they have pancreatic cancer. Today someone is fighting this disease and losing. Today someone is struggling to eat because pancreatic cancer has robbed them of their appetite. Today someone is agreeing to stop treatment. Today someone is starting their Hospice care. Today someone hugged their loved one and realized that it was the last time. Today someone lost their battle with pancreatic cancer. Today someone is crying because their loved one is no longer here. I am tired of all those todays. So, I am going to gather myself and my ideas and I am going to push forward. With or without you, I will raise more money. Someone is willing to give and I need to get busy finding them. So no, I will keep the pinhole in my bubble and I will continue to carry the still nameless boulder and the newly discovered lead weight....for a while at least.

Please indulge me for a moment.

Dear Mom,

You missed their birthdays. I knew you would. It was hard. They went to the doctor yesterday for their checkup. He is still off the charts, 95th percentile and above. She is above average as well. They are both healthy and doing well considering. They were given four shots each. He cried a little but said he was brave. She had a harder time. I hugged her tight. We made up for it at Toys R Us. All is forgiven but we were told that they would not be going back to that doctor ever again because they didn’t like the pokey things.

It isn’t really getting easier, I am hopeful it will. We miss you so much.

Love,

All of us.

 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Yes, It is True, I Was Groped at My Mom's Funeral

I don’t think I have used this blog to vent. I have used it to air my neuroses, hang-ups and even to help me understand myself through this whole grieving process. This post is going to focus on venting. My boulder grew over the last week and I am wondering in venting will shrink it.

Here are some things you should never do around someone who recently lost a loved one.

• Never forget the pain that the living feel. It doesn’t just go away. Sometimes we feel guilty for living. We also may feel guilty for eating. Anyone who knows me, knows why.
• Never try to “top” someone's grief. All grief is hard and everyone has their own process to go through.
• If you are naturally insensitive, just walk away.
• Don’t hover. Wait patiently to the side. You will know when they need you.
• Never tell the grieving daughter that she looks just like her mom, especially after you just saw the deceased.
• Never grope the daughter at the visitation or funeral. Yes it happened, there was an audience. We actually laugh at that one. My behind will never be the same.
• It doesn’t matter how long the loved one has been gone, we will miss them forever.
• Never ask how the deceased is doing. That does make me laugh a little because if it is someone who knows better, there is a tiny bit of satisfaction in seeing them try to get out of that predicament.

There, do I feel better? No not really.

Over the past two-ish months, there seems to be a lot that has been piling up on my plate; sort of cluttering my thoughts. I realized today that I usually vent or just discuss everything with my husband and my mom. My husband helps more than he will ever know, but there is just something about a mom. I haven’t been able to unload all of these things, decisions and concerns that are weighing me down. Wait a minute, not only do I have a boulder that I am dragging around, it appears that I have a lead weight that I am trying to carry too. That’s just dandy, now I have one more thing to figure out how to let go of. 

If you are not or were never close to your mom, or maybe your dad, then I might seem more than a little strange. Well, my mom was my center pole. I have been made fun of and even criticized in the past for my relationship with her. I never cared. My mom was and is my best friend. To not have her is at times unbearable. 

I have some big decisions to make really soon. I don’t know what to do. I have lost my number one sounding board. Oh sure, my husband and I will make them, I just miss having my mom tell me whether we were doing the right thing.

No, I don’t feel better today. I feel defeated. Tomorrow will be different…..I hope.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Does Someone Have a Patch? My Bubble Has a Hole in It

My bubble has a pinhole in it! I can’t believe I let that happen. I love my bubble. I know, you are thinking “what on earth breached the steel-like outer core of Carole’s bubble.” Well, let me tell you, I did it. I will give you a minute to compose yourself. It came as a shock to me too…….

Actually, I didn’t realize there was a pinhole until yesterday. We were having a nice walk, my daughter ran over every foot with her stroller and my son was “too tired to go on.” The usual complaining but it was a nice evening walk. I was talking about my friend’s passing, my mom and how on earth I am going to find all the people I need to get to a million dollars. I was also complaining about how uncomfortable Facebook and this blog make me. My husband informed me that I am venturing out of my bubble. BINGO! Only I am choosing to believe it is a small hole. I would never leave my bubble, it is cozy. But, he is right, shhh, can’t let that one get around.

I have been living a quiet life for a long time. Before babies, I was a sculptor. I am tooting my horn a bit here, but I was good and back then I didn’t have a bubble so the little attention I had didn’t bother me. It was still a quiet life with the occasional mural, painting or sculpture dragging me out in the world.

After my babies came, I built the bubble. Had too, there are nasty stomach viruses out there. When one baby barfs the other one isn’t far behind. Do you know how many Wet Ones it takes to clean up barf? I don’t and I am not about to find out. Shortly after, the gray hairs came, living in a bubble with two babies is stressful. I added a wing, but babies follow you everywhere you go. That wasn’t in the manual. We have managed.

Pancreatic cancer changed my direction. Two babies, work and my mom being ill tired me out in every way. Sometimes I would imagine driving until I ran out of gas just so I could escape from the stress. Never did. Gas prices just kept going up. So I scooted on. 

After my mom left, I began raising money for research. When I asked my husband “how should I find a million people” he said Facebook. After much thought and some Pepto, I gave in, thus creating the beginnings of my bubble breach. I am exposed. I have nothing to hide, I just like living quietly. I am not living quietly any more. I have this blog but I am selective about what I talk about, I will never post a picture of myself or my family (not totally true, there is a picture of my kids out there but just their backs) and personal conversations will take place privately. It just works for us. But, I will dare to peek out of my bubble if it means that I can convince people to donate. You see, my mom suffered. Not just one day, she suffered for seven months. I could give you the details, but then I think most people don’t want to know. I will say that it isn’t something anyone should ever have to go through. Pain, sickness and change, that is what she felt. That is what pancreatic cancer does. Anyone who is surprised at how quickly it engulfs the person who has it only needs to read the stories. 

It strikes, it kills.

 I am going to help put an end to it. I am going to raise a million dollars and some scientist/doctor is going to use it to stop the beast in its tracks. Just wait and see.

As I type, my neck is stiff and my head is starting to hurt. I think I will patch my bubble. That should make me feel better. Maybe tomorrow I will add a door…..a small one.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I'm Not Laughing Today

I joke a lot. Those that know me know why. I also cry a lot. Again, those that know me know why. I do believe that there is humor to be found just about everywhere. I am not laughing today. I’m not really crying either, but I feel like my boulder just got a little heavier. You see, I have a friend that I have known since I was eight years old. I remember the first time I saw him very clearly; big ears, big eyebrows and big glasses. We were classmates for the most part. It wasn’t until we were in high school that we became close friends. I have tons of stories and tons of memories. My friend is going to live in God’s house.

Several weeks ago he was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer. Most people who get that diagnosis are either at stage IV or close. He called me because he knew that my mom had just left us because of the same thing. He apologized for asking me to go through it again with him. He wanted to know everything I knew. I told him. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear but he and I agreed that knowing what you are facing helps. He knew what he faced. Like so many others, he wanted to fight and live. Like so many others, it was a fight he couldn’t win.

My heart is broken all over again. Pancreatic cancer struck again. Here’s the thing….it will strike again. Many times it is a silent killer. The people who get it don’t know until it is too late. How messed up is that?

This is why I have a Facebook page and blog. I don’t feel comfortable with it either. Those that know me know why. I am desperately trying to get these people that I have “friended” to donate. Some have, some have promised but mostly my “friend” request is accepted and then nothing. Do they even read my page or my blog? I don’t know. Only two have told me they do. I wonder if anyone really reads anymore. I only ask that you donate a dollar. Not ten or even one hundred….just one dollar. It is my responsibility to find the million people. I will ask that you share with others but I don’t expect it.

To everyone that I went to high school with: Most of you might remember me. Frankly that isn’t the point and what I did or didn’t do, who I hung out with or didn’t in high school doesn’t concern me now. What does concern me is that pancreatic cancer has now touched YOUR lives through Jim McCoy. I know you all knew him. He donated, tried to fight his battle and then ultimately, like most, lost. Please, for Jim and everyone else, let’s come together and show pancreatic cancer that the class of ’87 is a force to be reckoned with. Click on the link below, donate. Help me move this mountain…..Jim did.

To Jim: I said everything I needed to say over the last month. That is between the two of us. My mom is waiting for you with open arms. Please tell her we miss her and love her. I will miss you and I will love you the rest of my life. You are in my heart forever and I will think of you every time I shave my legs. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Bowbeedicles, Boopislators and Bochines

Two months have passed. 

I am only pathetic if it makes people donate to pancreatic cancer research, otherwise, just mildly neurotic.

I am a slight germ-a-phobe. I say slight because it sounds better.

I do live in a bubble with three other people. We have furniture and rocky road ice cream.

I drag around a huge boulder. Still no name but I am taking suggestions.

I miss my mom. I have voice mails that I saved. I can’t listen to them yet.

Yep, that sums me up.

Really, we are all progressing through our new lives without the center pole. It has been hard and we really didn’t want to have to do it, but these are choices we have had no control over. I am proud of us. People ask about my dad a lot. Well, he is learning to live his new life. He has cut down some trees, learned to pay bills and decided that all of those bottles in the pantry with the different powders in them (spices and seasonings), well he just doesn’t need them. He is learning.

My mom has missed my kids turning 4. That is hard to get through my head. I made a book of pictures of her for them. It is hidden; I can’t do that yet either. They love her and miss her. They have said and done a lot. My mom would laugh. Since she isn’t here to laugh, please indulge me while I tell tales.

My son loves weather, bugs and it appears the environment. He will talk about high and low pressures, cloud formations, tornadoes, hurricanes and whirlpools (in depth). He loves to talk about the underwater bowbeedicle (we think it is an underwater vehicle) and the boopsilator (can’t figure it out but it does go on the water). He informed me that if we don’t turn the water off, we will run out and if it is yellow we should let it mellow. Thanks to his dad for the last one. He is passionate and gives the best sticky kisses. He has been known to eat dirt, but it all comes out in the end.

My daughter is a princess. She lives in a castle room. She is very organized, analytical and matter of fact. She will wear her princess dress all day and eat dinner with her tiara on. Every baby, stuffed animal, fish, frog and hermit crab she has is either named princess or ballet. She says I am the best mom in the whole world. She doesn’t like dogs but cats are just okay. If she has rope of any kind she will spend her time making bochines (machines). She picks at her brother. It makes her happy. She loves to write her letters and she will fix any boo boo. She is my little girl.

Yes, we are making it through, slowly, but in the right direction. 

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I Thought All I Needed Was A Pat On the Shoulder

The last month of my mom’s life here was a blessing for me. I think it was for her too. It was during this time that she came to realize what I had felt for seven months, she was leaving and we were staying. There was nothing more that could be medically done. We both believe in miracles, I have two that call me mama and one that calls me his wife. But in my mom’s case, I just never felt it was going to happen. I prayed for one and every time I always heard “no.” I never told my mom that. I visited as often as I could. Her physical appearance changed but she was still my mom and it was obvious when she spoke. She and I talked a lot about where she was going and how she felt. Heaven was the topic. I read some books and then I would tell her all about what it was believed she would see and experience. I felt honored and amazingly blessed to be able to sit with her and imagine what life would be like in Heaven. 

One particular afternoon I was feeling selfish. I didn’t want her to go. I never told her that because when the time came I wanted her to feel peace and let go. Anyway, I told her that the only way to know if the folks in Heaven could have contact with the folks here was to give it a test. We agreed that if God would allow it that at some point she would pat me on the shoulder. We were more specific, but the details are my special memory. I really didn’t and still don’t think it works like that but if you don’t ask, well you know the rest.

So, for almost two months I have been waiting for my mom to pat me on the shoulder. I have felt such heartbreak because it has not happened. I knew it wouldn’t, but I was hopeful. I have openly complained that I don’t even dream about her. I dream about everything! Why am I not dreaming about my mom? Has it happened already? Have I lost touch in such a short time? This has been a huge part of my boulder.

The other morning I woke up. For some reason I was talking about my dream. It wasn’t anything just my subconscious getting rid of useless stuff…..or so I thought. I didn’t realize it but while I was describing it, I said “and my mom was in the car sitting next to me.” It was the strangest thing. Like the fastest rewind ever. My mom has been in all of my dreams this whole time. She never says or does anything; she is just there, sitting next to me. My mom has been with me this whole time!  My mom’s spirit is with me every second of the day. She doesn’t need to pat me on the shoulder to tell me everything is ok, she is here all the time and everything is ok.

It is still heavy and I am still dragging it around, but I think I just took a chunk off of my boulder.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Earthworms and Friends. What Could Be Better!

This is a “I miss my mom day.” Not to be confused with the “I am pathetic, sitting in a corner eating rocky road day.” I just woke up thinking about the details of her last few weeks. Not the wonderful talks we had, but how pancreatic cancer robbed her of her physical self. It isn’t something I let myself think about much because I watched her go from someone who looked like my mom to someone I almost didn’t recognize. I wonder why that is on my mind. Maybe it is part of my process. Maybe it is part of my boulder and if I acknowledge it then some of my boulder goes away. Well now isn’t that profound! No, I’m not ready for that kind of breakthrough. I will save that for another day. 

Today, I want to think about the good stuff. Homemade play dough, birthday cakes made just for us and her big smile. I didn’t get her smile, I got her eyes. I also want to think about my mom’s best friend. You know who you are. My mom loved her so much. I can see why. She and my mom were so much alike, I didn’t realize it until the end. They have known each other for 54 years. I say that in the present tense because my mom just relocated to a new home. We still know her, we just don’t see her. Regardless, their friendship is amazing. I remember going to her house for visits. I just thought it was the fanciest home ever. Her husband raised earthworms, I wanted to move in. She and my mom weren’t the “can’t make a move without each other” kind, they were the kind that when they talked or visited or went somewhere, you knew they meant something special to each other. We all need a friend like that. 

The last couple of weeks of my mom’s life here was full of stress for her. I think there is a process that everyone has to go through to get ready for what is taking place and ultimately what is going to happen. Mom was no different. I grieved for seven months before she left. She was alive and still telling me what to do, but the elephant in the room was huge and I knew the statistics. My mom grieved on one particular day. It was a sad day and God blessed me with the sense to realize what was going on. I tried, we all tried to comfort her, but the fact was, she was afraid to leave us. She wasn’t afraid of dying or of Heaven or the glory that was about to be bestowed on her, she just didn’t want to leave her family. I understood. It was a hard day I will never forget. Shortly after, her best friend came for a visit. I left to give them their time. Later that day, my mom came in the room and said, “We had such a nice visit. She told me not to worry; she would take care of you.” My mom was smiling. She had peace and her best friend gave it to her. What a gift! What a friend!

I am asking for one more gift, this time from anyone who reads this. I am going to raise a million dollars for pancreatic cancer research. So far there is about $1500 (I still have some cash to send in). I only want you to donate $1.00. If you will do that, I will find 99850 to do the same. My mom could move mountains, help me move this one.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive