I Thought All I Needed Was A Pat On the Shoulder

The last month of my mom’s life here was a blessing for me. I think it was for her too. It was during this time that she came to realize what I had felt for seven months, she was leaving and we were staying. There was nothing more that could be medically done. We both believe in miracles, I have two that call me mama and one that calls me his wife. But in my mom’s case, I just never felt it was going to happen. I prayed for one and every time I always heard “no.” I never told my mom that. I visited as often as I could. Her physical appearance changed but she was still my mom and it was obvious when she spoke. She and I talked a lot about where she was going and how she felt. Heaven was the topic. I read some books and then I would tell her all about what it was believed she would see and experience. I felt honored and amazingly blessed to be able to sit with her and imagine what life would be like in Heaven. 

One particular afternoon I was feeling selfish. I didn’t want her to go. I never told her that because when the time came I wanted her to feel peace and let go. Anyway, I told her that the only way to know if the folks in Heaven could have contact with the folks here was to give it a test. We agreed that if God would allow it that at some point she would pat me on the shoulder. We were more specific, but the details are my special memory. I really didn’t and still don’t think it works like that but if you don’t ask, well you know the rest.

So, for almost two months I have been waiting for my mom to pat me on the shoulder. I have felt such heartbreak because it has not happened. I knew it wouldn’t, but I was hopeful. I have openly complained that I don’t even dream about her. I dream about everything! Why am I not dreaming about my mom? Has it happened already? Have I lost touch in such a short time? This has been a huge part of my boulder.

The other morning I woke up. For some reason I was talking about my dream. It wasn’t anything just my subconscious getting rid of useless stuff…..or so I thought. I didn’t realize it but while I was describing it, I said “and my mom was in the car sitting next to me.” It was the strangest thing. Like the fastest rewind ever. My mom has been in all of my dreams this whole time. She never says or does anything; she is just there, sitting next to me. My mom has been with me this whole time!  My mom’s spirit is with me every second of the day. She doesn’t need to pat me on the shoulder to tell me everything is ok, she is here all the time and everything is ok.

It is still heavy and I am still dragging it around, but I think I just took a chunk off of my boulder.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Earthworms and Friends. What Could Be Better!

This is a “I miss my mom day.” Not to be confused with the “I am pathetic, sitting in a corner eating rocky road day.” I just woke up thinking about the details of her last few weeks. Not the wonderful talks we had, but how pancreatic cancer robbed her of her physical self. It isn’t something I let myself think about much because I watched her go from someone who looked like my mom to someone I almost didn’t recognize. I wonder why that is on my mind. Maybe it is part of my process. Maybe it is part of my boulder and if I acknowledge it then some of my boulder goes away. Well now isn’t that profound! No, I’m not ready for that kind of breakthrough. I will save that for another day. 

Today, I want to think about the good stuff. Homemade play dough, birthday cakes made just for us and her big smile. I didn’t get her smile, I got her eyes. I also want to think about my mom’s best friend. You know who you are. My mom loved her so much. I can see why. She and my mom were so much alike, I didn’t realize it until the end. They have known each other for 54 years. I say that in the present tense because my mom just relocated to a new home. We still know her, we just don’t see her. Regardless, their friendship is amazing. I remember going to her house for visits. I just thought it was the fanciest home ever. Her husband raised earthworms, I wanted to move in. She and my mom weren’t the “can’t make a move without each other” kind, they were the kind that when they talked or visited or went somewhere, you knew they meant something special to each other. We all need a friend like that. 

The last couple of weeks of my mom’s life here was full of stress for her. I think there is a process that everyone has to go through to get ready for what is taking place and ultimately what is going to happen. Mom was no different. I grieved for seven months before she left. She was alive and still telling me what to do, but the elephant in the room was huge and I knew the statistics. My mom grieved on one particular day. It was a sad day and God blessed me with the sense to realize what was going on. I tried, we all tried to comfort her, but the fact was, she was afraid to leave us. She wasn’t afraid of dying or of Heaven or the glory that was about to be bestowed on her, she just didn’t want to leave her family. I understood. It was a hard day I will never forget. Shortly after, her best friend came for a visit. I left to give them their time. Later that day, my mom came in the room and said, “We had such a nice visit. She told me not to worry; she would take care of you.” My mom was smiling. She had peace and her best friend gave it to her. What a gift! What a friend!

I am asking for one more gift, this time from anyone who reads this. I am going to raise a million dollars for pancreatic cancer research. So far there is about $1500 (I still have some cash to send in). I only want you to donate $1.00. If you will do that, I will find 99850 to do the same. My mom could move mountains, help me move this one.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I Am Pathetic But Germ Free

It has occurred to me, after rereading some of my past blogs that I sound pathetic. It just sounds like I sit around in my bubble with my boulder and hand sanitizer crying and feeling sorry for myself because I must be the only person who has lost a parent. If it will make people feel sorry for me and donate then yes, that is what I do all day long.

Really I am doing much better than I make it sound. I have found something to be passionate about and I am working towards a goal. Unfortunately it requires me to relive my mother’s experience every day. It is a price I willingly pay for donations and awareness. I miss her, but I am seeing peace starting to creep back in my life. I deserve it and I need it. But I will not forget why I gave in and started a Facebook page nor will I forget why I am allowing myself to be more exposed than I am comfortable with on this blog. 

DONATIONS!

I am going to keep bugging and pleading with everyone that can read or listen. I will wear you down, I am good at that. I realize that some of you (I am assuming that more than my husband reads this) are thinking I am nuts for trying to raise a million. I’m not nuts, I am a mom and moms will do crazy things sometimes. Remember, moms can move mountains. I personally have not done that yet, but it is on my bucket list. When we reach a million dollars in donations, I will check that one off and continue on raising more. 

Pancreatic cancer is going to strike someone else today. That is what it does. Is it you? Is it someone you love? Could be. You all (again assuming I have more than one reader) are at risk and it could be lurking around waiting. One of my best friends that I have known just about all of my life was just diagnosed last Sunday. I had not seen him in almost 20 years, but I went to visit last week. He described what he was going through and I left thinking my gosh, he has pancreatic cancer. He had the same symptoms, but it took the doctors entirely too long to determine the diagnosis. That was what made me think it was a different cancer. It wasn’t. I know what he faces, I know what his family faces. My heart is breaking all over again. 

To my dear friend, I don’t say I love you to too many people, but you have been in my heart for so long and I do love you. This is unfair and cruel, but sometimes in life we don’t get to decide what happens to us. We did so much together growing up. I will cherish every memory. I have thought about those years a lot. We had fun. You were annoying and so was I, but we managed to enjoy ourselves. My mom loved you too. She would tell you right now to fight. Someone has to beat this and it is going to be you. We need more memories so, let’s get this done and get busy making new memories. I love you.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

My Bubble, My Boulder, My Wet Ones and Something New

This morning I woke up, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I got out of bed, got the kids settled in for their morning routine, and began the usual polishing of my boulder with the Wet Ones. Okay, so maybe I didn’t do the last part, but it is still with me and I am trying to establish that regardless of how each day starts, my boulder and hand sanitizer are always with me. Back to the beginning though. Nothing out of the ordinary happened this morning. My kids were mostly nice to each other and things were moving along at a normal pace when suddenly, I realized, something was different. Right there in my bubble with my kids, my boulder, my Wet Ones, and Jake and the Neverland Pirates was something I had not seen is a very long time. I knew it was lost and most of the time I believed it was gone for good.

I found my smile.

I don’t know where it came from. Was it in the cushions of the couch, under the bed? I don’t know the answer, it just showed up, out of the blue for no particular reason. I looked around to see if anyone was going to jump out and say “Surprise!” but it was just all of the normal players, minus one, who live in my bubble. I didn’t say anything because frankly I hadn’t seen it in such a long time I didn’t want to jinx it. So I just went on like nothing had happened. 

I am still terribly sad and I miss my mom so much but in the middle of all this, I allowed myself to smile. I allowed myself to be happy. I have been sad, angry and overall frustrated with myself for so long. No one did that to me, I allowed that to happen. Yes, there were some extraordinary events that took place and I am sure my feelings have all been justified. But I don’t like to wallow. I just want to move through and get busy living. I believe my smile showing up today is a sign that maybe in my little bubble world the sun is starting to come up. I hope so. I have so much to do….I have to find 998825 more people to donate for pancreatic cancer research. 

So, for anyone who is on the fence about donating, click on the link and do it. I will even give you something in return. I will sit down with my babies and their crayons and they will draw you a lovely picture to say thank you. Just donate, send me your address and I will send you a one of a kind drawing. I just can’t think of anything better….can you?

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

Thank You Will Never Be Enough

I was scanning Pinterest the other day and came across this quote by C.S. Lewis (at least that is what it said),

“I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun-not because I can see it, but by it I can see everything else”

I don’t think I need to comment any further on that.

I would like to just take a moment to personally thank each and every one of you that have taken the time to donate to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network Keep the Memory Alive in honor of my mom.  Your generosity is helping to move the mountain.

If you have donated and you read this, you know who you are.

Kim, friend doesn’t describe you. I am honored to have known you my whole life. We are sisters. Sherrie, family is so important and it is during difficult times that we all must come together. Todd, my mom thought the world of you and your family. Well, you know. Steven, I don’t know you but you selflessly donated. Mary, you are a true blessing. You have helped more than you know. Ava, some people surprise me. You are a special gift and I am honored to call you my friend. WordFeud is our game. Donna, I have no words, just I love you and you are in my heart forever. Alison, Emmy would be proud. Michelle, you make the best cakes. Su, another selfless person I am honored to have as a friend. Kim E., what a blessing you have been. I will hold you to our deal. Uncle James and Aunt Jerene, you were there. I am forever grateful. Lots of love. Everyone in the Fine Arts Department, I have been around you for many years, thank you for honoring my mom. Crystal, Dave and Gavin, a fine family and true friends. You have been with me through it all. Tons of hugs. Cindy, we journeyed down similar paths, let’s hope we can stop this disease together. Carter, you put us over the top. We can beat cancer. Rex and Sue, you are my gifts from God. I could not have made it this far without you both. I truly love you both. Dwight, we have known each other for some time and you give me laughter.

Finally, to everyone who is going to donate or intending to, thank you from my family and God bless all of you.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I Have a Bubble and a Boulder, Lucky Me!

My vacation is over. I liked my vacation. Beach, seafood, beach and seafood. I could be a beach person but I am not, I am surrounded by land, dry (mostly), hot land where the houses are smushed so close that I could almost spit on my  neighbor's window. I wouldn't, but I am a good spitter. I miss my vacation. I do like coming home and having my familiar surroundings and all of my favorite things I like to have in my bubble.

My Vacation

If you donate, I will send you this little piece of my vacation (the picture).

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

I'm On Vacation

It Is My Bubble and I am Keeping It

I live in a bubble. I have for a very long time. In my bubble, germs are kept to a minimum, evil people and things can’t come in and life just moves along in an orderly fashion. There isn’t change because if it threatened to breach my bubble, well chaos erupts. I also don’t like change. Any change. I like things to be predictable and smooth. Change just loves to mess that up. I have company in my bubble, my family. They are in it because they love me and I am in it. We venture out but I always have hand sanitizer and Wet Ones. It makes me feel like I carry my bubble with me. It is my security. 

Good News Day

I am tired of sad news. I feel like that is what the last eightish months have brought.