Construction Zone

I am in the process of changing up my blog. I hope you don't mind the dead links, but I am hoping to have them up and running soon. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them. In the meantime, please look around. Some things are working smoothly.

I've Forgotton That I Love Color

There comes a time in the grieving/moving on process where a person has to “let go”.

I am at that point. The real question is what does let go mean? Change.

Do You Put the Pretty Side Up or Down?

When my dad calls the name on my phone says “Mom”. I need to change that but I just can’t. I’m frustrated because I am hanging on to silly things. It’s a name on my phone. What is wrong with me?

She's My Princess

I’m being followed. Not by someone, that would be easy to get rid of. I think what is following me is worse. I’ll come back to it in a bit.

I’ve said many times, the worst day of my life was the day my mom called and told me that she had pancreatic cancer and that it couldn’t be fixed. That day plays over and over in my head. It won’t go away and I wish with all my might that I could go back and erase that horrible, tragic day. I can’t. I’ve also said that I quickly started my research and based on the facts as I knew them, I accepted what was happening. I said I was never angry at God and I meant it. More about that a little later too.

When You are Sailing, What Happens When There Is No Wind?

I have written quite a lot over the past year. Sharing so publicly is not something that is typical of me. I share in person with people. Actual people I can see. Sending my thoughts, feelings and everything else out over the internet for the world to read isn’t me. Still isn’t comfortable. But I have found that it is helping me. I wonder if it helps anyone else.

I Was Just a Spoiled Child

Most of my adult life, I have only asked for help from two people. I don’t like to ask for help. I know for many things I need it, but asking for it just makes me feel like I am weak or lazy or that I am just not cut out for whatever it is I am needing help with. My husband is pretty good at knowing when I need help. My mom was too. She was the greatest helper a daughter could want. I must admit that I didn’t always want her help, but she always knew just what to do.

Pomp and Circumstance....And Zippers

Strange how life works. I say this all the time because really it is strange. It is a simple concept, you are born, you live, you die. It is black and white. The middle one is where all the confusion, heartache and laughter happen. As they say, it is just how life goes.

An Asthmatic Should Never Forget That She is an Asthmatic

All of my life I have wanted to fly. Not so much in a plane, but to really fly like the birds. Sounds crazy and maybe it is. I did all of the usual stuff that kids do. I tried to make wings. I would jump off of the swing set with an umbrella. Nothing allowed me to soar. I never even floated.

A Poem Worth Repeating

When I was young you were there every day.

How Do You Read the End of a Book That Hasn't Been Written?

Ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that seems to tell you that you are in the wrong place and you need to get out? Well I had that feeling today and it was followed by a few tears and just a feeling of potential failure.

Funny this has nothing to do with my mom. It has to do with my kids. For the past year, we have been researching, searching, and pondering where to send our kids to school. I’m guessing that most feel that there is a simple answer here, but we don’t. I taught in public school for a while and my level of like was not as high as I think it should have been. I’ve worked with some wonderful educators and I have worked with some average babysitters. Harsh I know but it is the truth. I’ve seen what goes on inside. I’ve seen amazing levels of learning and I have seen more than enough disappointing “just move them on.” I have preconceived ideas and they are battling in my head.

I said a while ago that my kids have a story. Those who are close know the pressure that I have put on myself to make sure they have every opportunity, every experience and loads and loads of love. Everyone feels the same I’m sure. 

Back to my original feeling.

I went to the school that my kids are registered to go to for kindergarten. There were some forms that I needed to pick up and it gave me a small glimpse of a full, public school. I saw teachers, I saw parents (who I might add were extremely “made up”). I was underdressed and I forgot my jewelry. I have to laugh at that because I really don’t care about froo-frooey stuff. I care about my mission at the moment. It must have been western day or something because some of the kids had cowboy hats on and there was a pile of hay sitting out. As I stood there, I imagined my babies walking in line with the others. I tried to imagine what they would be thinking. Would they be glad they were there or would they hate it? I know, kids don’t think like that. More likely, they would be thinking about who they would play with outside or what project they would be making in art or just not thinking and simply walking in line. 

The heavy duty thinking is mine.

I don’t know if I have expressed this clearly but, I am full of self-doubt and I am too hard on myself. I can’t help it. I question each decision and then analyze the results.

My question is, how do I know I am doing the right thing for my kids? Every cell in me says no to public school. We have looked elsewhere and have not found anything that fits what we are looking for. We have also discovered that private costs for one are crazy high and the discount for the second child is usually minimal. Public school or homeschool are the only options right now. But which is the right answer?

In the beginning, when we would take our kids for their doctor appointments I would always ask the doctor, “have I screwed them up yet?” He has always been reassuring and has always said, “not yet.” I know the only way to know if I have done a good job is to wait until they are grown and they can reflect on their upbringing. (Side note here. I say “I” because from my perspective, my husband is doing a wonderful job. He doesn’t panic, he doesn’t worry about barfing. He is a world class dad in every way). I on the other hand want to know how it turns out before it actually turns out

.

How do you read the end of a book that hasn’t been written? 

What if I mess this up? What if sending them to this school is the wrong thing? What if one day they say, “Mom, I never like that school?” Reality….they won’t ever say that. I didn’t. As my mom always said, “Carole, you are borrowing trouble.” 

I worry about them all the time. Not about falling off of their bicycles, but about whether or not they will enjoy the life that we are providing for them. Will they look back when they are my age with fond, loving memories or will they be full of unanswered questions? Time will tell. I don’t like clocks and calendars overwhelm me. 

Here is the truth as I see it. I have two very special gifts that I am responsible for. In the beginning their lives depended on me. That was a responsibility that was more than I expected. Yes, their lives are still in my hands, but they can potty on their own and I catch them looking in the fridge for snacks when I tell them no. The level of need for me is a teensy bit smaller. Before I know it they won’t need me to take care of them. Before I know it, they will be on their own. Time goes by so fast.

So you see, the problem is mine. I know it and I want to solve it. There is the second problem, it is an unsolvable problem. 

I’m not the first mom to want to hang on to my children’s innocence. I know that and I know it is okay to feel this way. Today was a reminder that I am going to have to release my grip and for the second time in my life, my heart truly broke. 

Being a parent is so hard. Being a parent without my mom makes it harder. 

I said this has nothing to do with my mom. Really it has everything to do with her. She isn’t here to reassure me. She isn’t here to lend support. My husband and I are a team but what goes on inside my head is all me. This week has been hard and I have missed my mom. If she were here, I would tell her that she did a great job. Almost all of the choices she made for me throughout my life were perfect. I say almost all because one time she spanked me and I really didn’t deserve it. My mom had it figured out. She made it look easy.

So it seems that the decision about school is made. They will start kindergarten in public school. My husband says that we will reevaluate it after they have started. I am sad today but not as sad as I will be when I drop them off on the first day. They won’t know because, like my mom, I won’t show it. I will put on my super happy face.

I know I am trying my best and I know I haven’t scarred them. I will always worry, question and wonder. I will always look for the best possible solution. My mom once said, right after my babies came, all they need is for you to take care of them and love them. All I can say right now is that I’m trying.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/evamckinney/KeeptheMemoryAlive

http://lustgarten.org/page.aspx?pid=839&tab=0&frsid=17109